Scanxiety

CT scan and Bone scans on Monday.  Getting so nervous.  As much as I look forward to it because then I'll know more about what's going on in my body, it scares me to death. What will the outcomes be?  Will I have to change treatments again?

Mixed results

So I had my appointment with Dr. Esplin a week ago.  I got my 2 shots of Faslodex in my rear/lower back. Man that smarts!
Then he switched me from Zoladex( the shot for menopause) to Lupron. Lupron also is given in my rear, but now I only have to do that every 3 months.
I also got my month's supply of Affinitor.
On Wednesday, my tumor markers came in.  In breast cancer, they are looking at tumor markers CA27.9 and CA15.3.  Tumor markers aren't totally reliable, but so far they've done pretty well at letting us know what's going on in me. 
Ever since the beginning, my tumor markers have been going up and up and up.  This time the CA27.9 came down from 701.2 to 658! That's the first time something positive has come back!
However, the CA15.3 went from 492 to 537.9.  So the results are mixed. 
It is true, that when a tumor is dying, it breaks down into your blood stream and sometimes they can go up.  That's why he doesn't rely too much on them.

I am scheduled for a CT/ bone scan on Sept. 30th. I hope it gives us  a good look at what's going on and most especially, I hope it's positive information.

I also met a gal that lives nearby who was diagnosed 4 years ago. She invited 2 others that are 3 and 4 years into this. I asked questions and listened.  It was a weird feeling, just sitting with these strangers, yet there's so much understanding there.  I didn't want to be there cause I didn't want to be in this "club."  I don't know how long it will take me to accept my new life and what's to come because of it. I just know I'm not there  yet.

Chemo brain

I read this article and thought, Oh my gosh, I have every single one of these! Chemo brain is real. Although, I also think it's this combined with a little PTSD from my diagnosis and also depression. I noticed some of them after my mom died. 

I get frustrated because I feel like I used to be a pretty "on top" of it person, and now, I just can't seem to think right.  I have left the hose on in my garden for 2 days, I always forget what I was about to do. I can't concentrate on anything, I always lose my train of thought mid sentence...... etc.  I feel like I've let others down when I forget to call them back or return a text.  I hope people forgive me.  Here's the list from an article

Chemo Brain Is Real And Here Are 10 Symptoms Associated With It

BY ANGELA BANKER

1. Feeling Slow – Many people with chemo brain report feeling slow in their thinking and mental processing. Figuring out a problem that has arose may take much longer than it normally would.
2. Forgetting Things I Already Know – Self explanatory
3. Lack Of Concentration – While sitting in a meeting, you noticed you cannot recall the last five minutes. What were we discussing again?  Where did your mind go during the meeting? You can’t remember!
4. Losing Your Train Of Thought – You are having a great conversation with your best friend when all of a sudden you forgot what you were talking about. It doesn’t happen just once, but multiple . . . Wait! What was I saying again?
5. Forgetting The Simple Things – Those small, everyday things can be the hardest to remember at times. You may rush out the door and get to your car before you question yourself, “Did I lock the front door?” You may get all the way to work before you call and question your husband, “Did I turn off the iron?” You could return home to notice you failed to turn off the television when you left earlier.
6. Trouble Multi-tasking – Multi-tasking is an art form. When you add chemo brain into the mix, it becomes more difficult. Trying to do two or three things at once during this time is challenging. 
7. Difficulty Learning New Things – Focus and concentration are qualities that go into learning. Chemo brain often affects each of those making learning that new skill even harder to do. 
8. Forgetting What You Were Going To Do – You stopped cleaning the kitchen in mid-clean to grab something in the living room. As soon as you walk in there, you ask yourself the 4 W’s. Why did I come in here? What was I going to do? Where was I really going? When did I forget?
9. Difficulty Speaking – That moment when you can’t remember what your favorite box of cereal is called – “That box, over there, in that thing. It’s red. It’s this tall. It’s . . . “ – can be embarrassing. Often times you know what you are talking about, but you just can’t seem to get the right words out.
10. Mental Fatigue – Add this to the lack of focus and the inability to concentrate. Your mind is just tired. Your brain feels overworked early in the afternoon leading to more confusion when you’re trying to follow a conversation.You could use a mental nap and find zoning out is becoming a frequent habit.                                                                                              You may find yourself reading this list saying, “I’ve had that and I’ve never taken chemotherapy.” It’s true! We have all experienced these. Imagine experiencing it ten times more frequently, or on a daily basis. Chemo brain takes those cognitive issues we have and intensifies them. Be patient with a person who is experiencing these symptoms. Often times they become frustrated themselves and would appreciate the support.

Faith

I've been thinking a lot about Faith the past year. And I don't really have any answers to my questions or thoughts, but here's what I've been thinking about.

Faith in Jesus Christ is harder for me than I thought it was.  I've always been more on the anxious side, and I do lots of what iffing.  Somehow I've always felt that if I worry about it, then I won't be taken by surprise too much. I'll be prepared for whatever occurs and then I'll be able to handle it better. Make sense? Now I'm not neurotic or anything, and it's not a conscious thing, but I just tend to be a worrier. I jump ahead, I think of things that may or may not happen and I worry about it. Now does worrying change the outcome?  No, but somehow it serves a purpose for me. It protects me.  I was a bit of a worrier when I was young, but it really hit me after the birth of my first baby. Post Partum anxiety.  I wasn't depressed, I was stressed and overwhelmed and worried so much about this fragile little thing. Then it went into other areas of my life.  I know all the quotes and meme's about worrying taking away today's joy, blah blah blah. And I really started to see it more when I have to help one of my children who suffers from anxiety.  I have to coach her along the way sometimes and I feel a bit like I'm the pot and the kettle.  I never really thought that I wasn't having Faith by worrying.

When my mom died, all I wanted to do was to feel her, see her and have her tell me she was okay.  I wanted comfort from HER. I was very aware that the source of comfort should be from my Savior, but I just felt like if I could feel her, I would be okay.  I knew I was hoping for the wrong thing....not necessarily wrong, but the lesser right.

When I got my diagnosis and ever since, I have been searching for peace and I know that I need to receive it from the Lord.  I pray for it, I receive blessings for it, I fast for it, yet I've noticed that I tend to have Faith that the Savior will........something....   He will help my meds to work. He will make the tumors shrink. He will make the side effects of the drugs less annoying. Faith that he will do this or that.

Faith in the Savior means just that though.  Faith in the Savior.  Faith that everything will be okay. Faith that I will be taken care of, no matter what the outcome. Faith that my family will be okay even if it's without me.  This kind of Faith is harder for me.  It's hard to give it all to him. 

I read a story recently about putting our baskets in the water, like Jochebed, the birth mother of Moses.  I think the article was more about us sending our children out into the world and knowing that the Lord would watch over them, but I also saw the analogy for my life with the trial of Cancer.  I have to put my basket in the water, not knowing what's going to happen, but knowing it will be okay because I trust in the Lord.  I have to, in the words of Elsa "let it go." . I have to turn it over to him.  That's the hard part.

In reality, it should be so much easier to turn it over to him than to hold onto it. What a release that would be. To truly never worry because I know the Lord is at the helm.

Writing this all down makes me think....of course.....that's what you've tried to do your whole life, but I think I haven't.  Just like a visit from my mother wouldn't calm me as much as the Savior would, I still hold onto what I want. What I want to pray for. What I want to wish for. The way I want my story to turn out.

It's already been proven to me time and time again that life doesn't go according to MY plan and even when I've struggled and fought through trials, it has always turned out better than my plan anyway.
So I'm committing now to try to put my basket in the water. Maybe it will be one twig at a time, but eventually, I will be able to put it in the water and let it go....trusting that the Lord will take care of everyone and every outcome will be the best. And look what he did with Moses, he was more than okay. He was more than taken care of. He was incomprehensibly wonderful. And so will we be.