World Chaos

Sometimes I have all these things in my head and want to write them down and then I get distracted and forget what I was going to write. So then I don't write and now it's been forever/

Right now I'm on my week off of Taxol. I'm scheduled to see Esplin next Tuesday and do another infusion.

I'm scheduled, but right now our country is in chaos. We're all self isolating and social distancing because of the Coronavirus.  I am in the "at risk" category because of stupid cancer. In addition to not having school or church, we are also not doing friends. 
I'm not too scared that I'm going to get it. I hope I don't and I don't know what my body would do if I did, but I am concerned that I won't be able to get my chemo treatment.  They're really cracking down and closing up places. I got a message this morning from Revere Health that some appointments could be cancelled. We also had an earthquake this morning. Sheesh

The other day I had a weird experience. I think it was Thursday or Friday and we were getting all this information about school's closing and so much stuff about the virus and I was so full of that, that I forgot about Cancer.  For the first time in a long time, I forgot about Cancer.  The reason I know I forgot is that I then remembered.

Remembering is like when you wake up and think it was a bad dream and then realize that it's not.  It's real.  And it hurts so bad.  It's a rush of emotions all at once and it's hard.
I was on facebook and I saw a post from a gal that I've never met, was planning on meeting soon, and is a year ahead of me in this journey and lives right here in my city.  She started on taxol in February and the Taxol actually stimulated the growth of her liver tumors and she is now in liver failure and have been given about 3-5 weeks to live.

She has the exact same mets as me. Bones and liver.  She is a member of my church and believes as I do about life after death. She never married and is around 42 years old.

It hit me like a boulder. I got scared and I cried and went to that dark place.  I crawled out fast, because I dd not want to stay there.  It scared me. and I've been trying to detach from it.

Now I am facilitating school to 4 kids and trying to figure out what is going on in the world.  A little secret I have is that I have kind of wanted the end of the world or the Second Coming to happen....I've been hoping that it will come sooner than later so that I won't have to die and leave my family. So my girls and Kevin won't have to worry about losing me.  I'm sure this is all a sign of the times, but theres's still so much that needs to happen for the end is here.

I sound like a real downer today.......maybe cause it's rainy and we've been locked inside. 
I'm doing okay and I'm hopeful and anxious to find out what my body is doing with this cancer. I hope that it's kicking it's butt.  I hope and pray that my tumors are getting weaker and dumber and won't be able to hold on any longer and just dissolve away.  I'm hoping and that's good.

To ask or not...that is the question

I haven't written much because there's not much to write about as far as Cancer is concerned.
I had my Dr's appointment 3 weeks ago and a couple days after, insurance called and told me my PET scan was approved. so I waited and waited for Huntsman to call. After a week, I called them and they told me my Dr's office hadn't sent the correct forms and they had requested them twice. Called my doctor's office and they tell me that insurance denied my PET scan. After several phone calls and requests, they finally approved it.
I am set for this Friday, July 5th. It's my birthday.  Fun present for my birthday right? I'm just glad I'm getting it done....finally. I'm nervous, however.
Last time I went, I was pretty sure my scan would show that I just had stage 3 breast cancer. Breast and lymph nodes only......then I learned it was everywhere.
I'm scared about this time and what it will show.

A couple weeks ago, Maili mentioned that she knows people are being nice, but she's tired of people asking her how I am doing. I told her it's because they not only care about me, but because they care about her. She knows that, but she says she just wants to forget about it sometimes and when people ask, it makes her remember.  I totally get that.  I have talked to a couple of other people that had and have mother's with terminal/chronic illnesses and they said the same thing. They would be okay until someone asked them.

I don't know what to do about that. I admit that I do the same thing. If I see a young girl or boy I ask them what I know about them and many times it's about their parents. I never stop to think that they just don't want to talk about it.  I'm going to try to do better.

I feel that way too sometimes when I feel like my cancer has become all I am. People ask me how I'm doing and I want to just say fine and leave it at that. But they want more....and honestly, I don't know if I would want them to quit asking altogether either. People can't win, I guess.  I don't know that there's a right or wrong.