I said at the beginning of this trial that I didn't want to miss the lessons this disease would teach me.
I'm sometimes looking and trying to figure out what I'm learning or have learned. Mostly, I still see a lot of things I need to learn.
This morning I was listening to the "All In" podcast. I don't usually listen to it, but I saw that it was about grief and I wanted to listen. S. Michael Wilcox was the guest and I loved what he had to say. He lost his wife to Brain Cancer 10 years ago and he wrote a couple of books about. it.
A couple of things stood out to me. Hopefully, I can articulate well.
I was thinking, last week, about how when I think of my mom, I think of how much I miss her, how much I love her and I don't think of the negative things. Either negative things with our relationship, or things about her that made me mad, etc.
Brother Wilcox talked about how when someone dies, you go through their things and cleanse out the stuff, keeping things that are special to you. When we lose someone, we tend to do the same thing. In our relationships, we tend to notice the mote in people's eyes. In Matt 7:3 The Savior basically asks, why are you even looking at the mote? We answer, because it's there, I can see it. and he asks why are you looking at it in the first place?
I think that's what happens with the loss of people we love. We tend to forget the bad and think of the good and that's a good thing. Our ability to love is increased because we're not focusing on the bad. I really liked that thought and I also like the idea of grieving our past lives. I often grieve the old me. My old normal and I think that helps me realize how good my life was and I have a better appreciation of it. It also made me think of Kevin after I'm gone. He never outwardly criticizes me, but he's human, he must have several complaints about me. Hopefully, when I'm gone, he'll remember the good only and his love for me will grow even more. "Grief is love's shadow. If we didn't love, we wouldn't grieve."
In talking about grief, any kind. There's no roadmap on how long it's supposed to take to be done grieving. I think of grieving my mom, of grieving my BC life. BC= Before Cancer. The one thing to remember is our God is a God of Happy Endings.
Another thing he pointed out was how the Savior said "Do I have to go through this? (remove this cup) and then he said "this is my purpose" This is what I came to do.
When I'm questioning why I have to go through this, I have to remember that this is my purpose. This is the way I'm going to learn what my Father in Heaven wants me to learn. This is why I came.. Endurance is what God asks of us but it doesn't have to be a bad thing to endure or to wait for the blessings or the answers.
