Infusions

So as I posted last time, I went in on Wednesday and got my first of many Zometa infusions. It's a bone strengthener and they give it to you via i.v.  When I asked Dr. Esplin about the side effects, he said none with a caveat that some people complain about bone aches for a few days.
Wednesday night I had a hard time sleeping because both my thigh's were aching. Nothing really new, and I woke up feeling okay. By 10:00 I was in some serious trouble. I hurt all over my body, I had chills, low grade fever, flu like symptoms, my head literally stung as well as every inch of me just hurt.  I managed to make it to Kinli's 1st grade program and then I was down for the count.
I slept on and off with the help of Tylenol, but it only helped slightly.  I felt so so terrible. The next morning I still felt crappy and a call to the Dr. and a google search confirmed that many people feel this way with their first infusion and it supposedly gets a bit better each time.  I stayed in bed until Maili's voice recital and then I hopped right back in. I do feel much better today, but still feel sore. My left calf and ankle started hurting even a bit before the infusion and I have had issues with it on and off.  Sometimes I feel like I'm faking the pain because it hurts one minute and I'm limping and the next I'm fine. I feel like a kid trying to get attention.
They didn't scan past my mid thigh, so I don't know about cancer down there, but I'm pretty sure it's there.  I also forgot to tell Dr. Esplin about the pain in my chest wall. It hurts when I breath deeply, but is better when I have the support of a bra. I'm sure there's cancer on the chest wall under where this whole thing started.

The whole thing has made me super weepy, emotional and depressed the past few days. I HATE Cancer and I HATE that is part of my life forever. I am still trying to get to acceptance, but it's a hard pill to swallow (pun intended)

I feel like cancer has taken so much from me and I'm angry. You know when you wake up and remember your bad dream?  Everyday I wake up and remember I have cancer and it stings every time.

I hate when I don't feel good because I think it stresses and worries my kids.  I try as hard as I can to pretend, but when you can't make it up the stairs with a basket of laundry, it's hard to hide.

I wonder if I'm ever going to feel good again? Am I ever going to feel like I have energy and excitement in my body? Like I could do a cartwheel if I wanted to? (not that I did a lot of cartwheels before)

Planting hope

I still question whether or not I should make this blog private again cause I have some deep thoughts that I need to get out and I'm not sure I want everyone to know them. It makes me feel very vulnerable and a little psycho to share some of my deepest, darkest thoughts.  I think that if people know these thoughts then they will think differently of me or act differently around me....but they are anyway......

As strong and hopeful as I may sound sometimes, I've been in a depression and so has Kevin . and I think even a couple of my girls are dealing with their own levels of depression.  I wish I could take the burden away from them. I wish I could deal with this secretly on my own and not have to worry anyone.

When I first got this news, I don't know how to explain the overload in my head. I literally couldn't handle it. All of that coupled with all the drowning of information dumped on me about cancer and Mets and chemo and facts and fiction. I just couldn't process.  I forgot and still do forget things easily. I walk around like a zombie sometimes not knowing what I'm doing.

The trip to Florida helped take some of those thoughts and put them on the shelf for a bit and I really needed it. I wouldn't say for me that the trip was fun. I was just managing, but it helped.
Coming back, it's been interesting to see what my brain is doing handling all of this.  The darkest and scariest thoughts are really down deep and even when I think of them, my brain doesn't let me truly absorb it. It's protecting me. But I know it's there.  At times my grief is about my mom. At times it's about Kevin and all that I'm heaping upon him unintentionally. At times my grief is for my girls and worrying how they are doing or will do without me. Sometimes my grief is for others and at times it's for me.

I still get up everyday and do my stuff and I'm thankful I still can, but everyday I wonder how long I will be able to.

I love to plant. I love to plant flowers and gardens. I love to nurture them and see them grow.  This year I've been scared to plant.  Part of me is just depressed and I just don't feel like it. Part of me feels like planting is false hope and what's the point. Part of me is worried that I won't be able to care for my garden in the late summer. Part of me just thinks it sounds too hard.

However, I mentioned a desire to plant to Kevin and part of my mother's day gift was that he got new soil and got my garden boxes ready to plant.
I actually got a little excited and I went and bought vegetables and flowers. Yesterday and today I planted.
And while I planted, I hoped. I hoped that I would see them flourish, I hoped that I would be able to care for them. I hoped that in the Fall I will be able to clear out my planters to ready for winter and do it all again next year. I hoped that things will stay as they are now and that my medications are working and I won't have to try new ones that may make me sicker.  I hoped that my next PET scans will show shrinkage and not growth.  I hoped that I can keep feeling like this for years to come.

I hoped for a bit and that was good for my soul.