Hair today gone tomorrow

It's been awhile since I've updated. I just haven't wanted to.
I made it through Christmas and mom's 1 year death anniversary. I can't believe she's been gone 1 year already. Hitting the year mark is hard because before that, you can say, last year mom said this or we did this with mom.  Now that a year has past, I feel further from her.

I have now finished 8 treatments of Taxol. Not gonna lie, I absolutely hate it. I just don't want to do it anymore.

I had scans on January 3rd. CT and Bone scans.  My bones are stable.  No growth, no regression. I was hoping for regression.  My liver lesion has shrunk a bit.  I have a lesion in the middle of me in the retroperitoneal lymph nodes which is behind my intestines and closer to my back bone than my belly button that has been growing consistently for that past few scans. It's about the size of a large plump grape. and some others near it that are growing too.
My breast doesn't seem to be responding to the chemo.

Overall, he said that my cancer is very heterogeneous....which just means that the tumors all have their own DNA and so we haven't been able to find a treatment that works for all of them.  It frustrates me. and discourages me.  Maybe I need to be more realistic about my expectations.  I keep hoping for miracles and regression.  My goal is to get to a point of No evidence of disease anywhere and then just stay on the maintenance drugs for years and years while the cancer sleeps.  Maybe that's not realistic, but it's still my dream.

So, he doesn't want to jump ship too early with any of my treatments AND my tumor markers are coming down so we will stick with Taxol until the end and then go from there.
I'm pretty sure we'll have to do radiation on my breast, because it's just not responding well.

I thought I was in the clear with hair loss as nothing happened until after treatment number 6. So it has been coming out but not in clumps. I definitely can feel and see a difference at how thin it is, but some others can't.  I assume with 4 more treatments to go that it will continue to come out and I will be bald.
It's interesting with all the scariness of cancer, how worried I am about my hair.

The first day, I stood in the shower and ran my hands through my hair and had so much come out and I stood there and cried.  Now it's just daily that I get lots coming out.

My hardest days after chemo seem to be Tuesdays and Thursdays, however, I'm feeling yucky pretty much everyday now. I can tell that I'm not bouncing back as easily and the "poision" is taking it's toll on me.  So far, Saturdays are my best days.

Hopefully that catches everyone up at where I'm at.  Here's to 4 more infusions of Taxol poison! blech

Chemo update

So I've had 2 infusions of Taxol now.
The first time I went, they gave me an infusion of Benadryl and a steroid before the Taxol.
The Benadryl made me so jittery. I couldn't stop moving. I was up and down and all over the place! It must be what an addict feels like when they need their fix or something.  It was so awful. It lasted about an hour and then I crashed.  Slept until the nurse woke me up telling me I was done. She made a note to give me Claritin from now on instead of Benadryl.

Because of Thanksgiving break, they were closed on the next Friday and I had an appt. with Esplin on the next Monday anyway, so my treatments will now be on Mondays.

So far, I come home and within an hour it hits.  I don't even know how to describe what I feel,  I just feel crappy.  Head hurts, body achey.  I feel beat up and well,.....like I've been poisoned. Which I have.

The next day is about the same.  By Wednesday I think I'm feeling better so I get up and do stuff and then I realize that I've pushed myself too hard. (showering and getting ready for the day)

Thursday feels a bit better, but I just feel blah.
I hope I have a few good days Sat and Sunday before I go back on Monday.

I went wig shopping yesterday. I dragged my friend Lynsey with me. She's a great friend and happens to also do my hair.  I was freaking out and just needed someone with me. 
It wasn't so bad after a bit, but at first I was really freaked out.  I put on some scarfs and stuff and just looked like Cancer.  I found a wig that actually looked a lot like me. Then I found what they call Halos.  You wear them under a hat and the hair sticks out so it looks like you're just wearing a hat and not bald.
I'm still holding out hope that I will keep my hair OR that maybe it will just thin. Nothing has happened yet, but it's still early,

Emotionally, I haven't been doing too well. I'm sure feeling sick has a lot to do with it.  I've been very hopeless, weepy and irritable.  I keep feeling like this is it and I'm never going to feel "good" again. I feel like it's not going to work.
I've also been having tons of back pain and can't stand or walk for very long.  I'm scared it's going to break any second.  I've heard of women just rolling over in bed and they break their back or neck or whatever.  It feels like that to me. my lower back really really hurts and it's scary.

My kids have all been having a rough time.  The younger two are crying and stressed a lot. Also needy.  Haeli always seems to handle things well, but I'm afraid that she'll keep it in too much.  Maili has struggled a lot.  They all say that it is easier to forget I have cancer when I don't look or act sick.
I'm laying around a lot and with most likely losing my hair, it will be tough on them.
I told Kinli she could draw a face on the back of my head and she didn't like that at all. I thought it was funny.

Being the Holidays has made missing my mom all the more difficult and on the 23rd it will have been a year since she died.  I don't even know where this year has gone.  I've been in a fog all year and don't remember much of what has happened except for Cancer.

I'm not handling this very bravely like I would like.  I'm a mess and it's been hard. 
For anyone that reads this,  I really need your prayers.