Confusion

 I know it's been so long since I've written. I've been in a whirlwind of confusion an honestly, I just haven't been able to get myself to write. I do better mentally when I keep myself distracted, so sometimes writing about it makes me focus too much on it. Although, writing about it seems to be a form of therapy as well.

Here's an update as of my last post.

December 4th I had bone and CT scans.  They came back mostly positive.... He saw some calcification on my liver mets which means it's dying. bones were stable, no new mets and overall looking fairly good.

A few weeks later, I woke in the night with pain in my right side (liver) It was bad enough to keep me awake. The next night it happened again and when I turned, I had a sharp stabbing pain there,

I called the the Doc, but, of course, it was the week of Christmas and he was out for the week. His "fill-in" had me get an ultrasound on my liver.  So a few days later, Christmas day, I saw the report on my patient portal and it said I had a new lesion in my left lobe that wasn't seen clearly on the prior CT scan and it seemed my right lobe tumor had grown significantly, but the radiologist and later my Doc. said it's hard to say because of the different machines used. CT vs. ultrasound.  So I just went in a downward spiral emotionally. My thoughts were all over the place. Xeloda had stopped working, nothing is going to work, you're going to die this year. Just really negative and hard as I tried, I couldn't seem to help it. I did all the things I know to make myself come out of the hole, but I just couldn't. Finally, a priesthood blessing has helped the most.

So this is where all the confusion comes in.  After looking at my ultrasound, etc. on Jan. 4, he wanted to see my tumor marker numbers.  When we looked at it, one had come down a bit and one had come up a bit. So he's thinking that Xeloda is working for everything except liver, so wait until Feb. and see the numbers and then we'd possibly do radiation on the liver.  So this has been my state of mind for 3 weeks.

2 weeks ago, along with the discomfort in my right side, I started getting new pains. twinges, discomfort in my left abdomen. So that is NOT liver related.  Now my mind started going to "Oh it's spreading to my spleen or pancreas and it's spreading all over my body super fast ( I had a friend that died within weeks of finding she had cancer, so I get scared it's going soooo fast)

So my appointment is still a week away, but this morning, needing some peace of mind, I called the nurse....which I had to call anyway to check on my insurance and order labs, etc.  I told her of the new pain and if it's something he would want to see me earlier for or ???????

So she looked at my scans and my bloodwork and said both my markers were down considerably.

So in confusion, I just checked my patient portal and it does show both of them down and then the graph that you can see kind of skips over the last numbers as if they're not accurate.

So, yeah I don't get it and I don't know what's going on in my abdomen, but I feel a bit better mentally seeing the new marker numbers but confused because it's different than what we talked about with him 3 weeks ago.

So, here I am reporting the details and where I'm at.  I still have side effects, although Esplin lowered my dosage. Things are just a little bit better in all the areas. Still annoying and I hate all the side effects, but just a tad bit more tolerable.

Hopefully, I'll be good and update after my appointment next week.

p.s. my hair is filling in nicely. I look like a boy, but that's progress!

Heather

I posted this on my Facebook page today.

This morning Heaven gained an extraordinary angel. This picture is a few years old, but it's how I remember her the most. This was before her body was damaged from the effects of brain cancer treatments. She had a unique kind of cancer and it started when she was about 10 years old. She had to relearn to walk. I don't even know how many times it came back, but the last time was the last time. She has been put through the ringer, literally became deaf, nearly blind, lost tons of of weight, trouble walking and hasn't even looked like the picture below for several years now. She taught me so much about attitude in the face of adversity. She taught me so much about service. She did everything and anything for everyone. She always had a giggle and a smile and of course loved her 2 little girls fiercely. In January, she was given 2 weeks to live. I contacted her and said my goodbyes and she still had a positive attitude. She made it a few more months. Thanks for your example Heather. 

I hope that if and when my cancer progresses so far and my body has crumbled under the effects of the many treatments, that I can have as bright of an attitude as you. Be at peace sweet Heather and rest from your earthly cares. I know you're already serving and giggling.

I'm wondering if I can handle her funeral. I'd like to be there to honor my sweet friend. I wonder if I can compartmentalize and not feel too personal about it, especially when I see her two girls.

Have I mentioned that I hate Cancer!

This week has been kind of up and down. Monday we went to the cemetery and that was good but hard. I I just wanted to talk to my mom, ask her for her wisdom and get a hug.
Also, my drugs can make me pretty moody and I was on a roller coaster.  I've had a couple of days where my left ankle from just below my knee down hurts so bad. Doesn't matter if I'm walking or not. Not much will help it. I've been trying to put off the heavy pain killers as long as I can. Apparently Claratin helps with bone pain as well as Aleve.....which I'm not supposed to take that often because it's a blood thinner like Advil. It has hurt to the point of tears. The past three days though I haven't  felt anything and I've even been doing yard work.  If feels good to act normal

The lessons

Yesterday, for some reason, I ran into a lot of friends. So I talked a lot about me.  It was exhausting.
A lot of them mentioned how I look so good or "normal" or  that I act so normal or upbeat.  I was thinking about this and it made me wonder if I was being fake or genuine? I realized that I'm just being me.
I think we all try to put on our positive face when we go out and I don't think it's being fake. I think it's coping the best and trying to have the best attitude. Some days we are more successful at it than others.

I assured these friends that I talked to, that I cry.....nearly everyday.  I get angry, nearly every day. I have moments of feeling sorry for myself, of feeling selfish, of feeling frustrated, and all the other emotions that come with being human.

I've admitted before that I am in a depression as I process this disease and how it's affecting every area of my life. But I also have a perspective of growth.

 I truly believe that each of us is a spirit son or daughter of God that came here to learn. To learn what we need and it's so completely individual. That's the beauty of it.
Some of us need to have wayward children. Some of us need to have infertility issues. Some of us need to have loss of jobs, divorce, deaths, and some of us need to have cancer.

I don't know that I believe that my Father in Heaven GAVE this trial to me. I don't think He CAUSED cancer in me. But I know he knows what I will learn from it. And I know he is hopeful that I will learn it.  I don't feel like a victim at the hands of God.

I worry sometimes that I will miss the lessons. For whatever reason, the things I need to learn need to be taught to me in the form of terminal cancer.  I worry that if I stay in a hole of grief all of the time, I will miss the lessons.  Will I learn patience? Will I learn humility? Will I learn long-suffering? Will I learn empathy? Will I learn Faith and trust in my Savior?  There's so many things that I need to learn and I don't even know what they all are, but HE does.

I don't want to miss the lessons.  I don't want to walk around with sadness. So when I walk out into the world, I put on my happy face because I have a lot to be happy about. 
I put on my brave face because there's not much I can do about it.
I put on my smile, because I don't know what lessons everyone else is having to learn.   Your trials are no more or less than mine. 

I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it again, I have an amazing life. I have been blessed beyond measure. I have so many things to be thankful for. I have trials, other than cancer, just like everyone else. I always have and I always will. That's why I'm here. 

I heard it taught that we chose our trials before we came to earth.....or at least that we knew what they were and we agreed to them.  I don't know if that's true. I've never read that from a prophet or anything, but thinking that way makes me a bit more brave. If I knew what I was going to go through on earth, and I still chose to come, I must have known how valuable the lessons would be. I must have known it would be worth whatever blessings I will attain in life after death. And I know there's going to be some amazing ones.

I don't want to miss the lessons.

Trying to get to this point

This is where I want to be. Not there yet....working on it