Faith is hard

Where to begin?
My tumor markers have been consistently going back up. So Esplin started me on a new chemo pill called Piqray in addition to my weekly infusions.

That same week, I had scans. May 13th. Esplin called me back the same night to tell me that everything was still stable!  I was really surprised!

Had my appointment with him on the 19th.   He explained that the fact the markers were going up meant that even though the scans show I'm stable, the cells are more active. He also mentioned that the cells in the bones go into these pockets in the bones and you can't really see them on scansSo I got my infusion along with my monthly Faslodex shots and my 3 month Lupron shot.  It hit me a lot earlier than usual and I was down for the count.  The next day I'm used to being sick, but this time was worse.  The digestive stuff was more frequent and I ended up with a fever Wednesday night.  It was back down by the morning. Thursday I'm usually ready to get going again, but this time I was still feeling sick.  Digestive issues, headaches, pains all over my body and nauseous. Not to mention that my taste has been worsening the past few weeks.  I couldn't even eat ice cream it was so gross.

By Friday I was pretty much back to my normal, but I'm definitely feeling the effects of two chemos vs. one.  Oh also, my hair has started to fall out again.

I'm frustrated and I am having a hard time thinking I have to stay on Taxol when it doesn't really seem to be helping much anymore.... Yet, if I go off of it, what will I do?

I'm frustrated that I'm over a  year into this and I'm no better than I was. Nothing seems to be working very well and we're checking off the treatments way too fast.

I'm working constantly on Faith in the Savior. Faith that everything will be okay no matter what.  It's hard to let go.  True Faith is hard. So very hard.  Being okay with whatever occurs, knowing it's better than my plan, letting go of control of something that I don't have control of in the first place.  I'm trying to practice it and some days or moments, I do better than others.

“Fighting through darkness and despair and pleading for the light is what opened this dispensation. It is what keeps it going, and it is what will keep you going.”
―Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, Created for Greater Things

“If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived.”
―Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, "The Inconvenient Messiah"

Lord, do you love me?

I never know what to title my posts. So I think I'll wait until I'm done and see if there's something that sticks out.

Today is Sunday, I think.  Being quarantined makes it hard to remember what day it is as we do pretty much the same thing. We've been trying to add new things each week to make the Sabbath more special than the other days.

I've had some random thoughts, so this post will probably be all over the place.

I've just had my week off of chemo.  I don't feel more energetic or anything, I just don't have to go through 2 days of feeling like I have the flu. I really like it, but it makes going back all the more hard.

I go in Tuesday for my appointment with Esplin and then my chemo.  For some reason I feel a bit more anxious.  He'll take my tumor markers....which we won't know for a few days after my appointment, but then I'll know if it will be time to stop Taxol because it's not working or if I will continue with it because it's still holding things at bay.

I've really been tested with mental endurance.  I feel like I just can't keep going on this nasty poison, but the alternative means that it's not working, so then I want to stay on it.  I've been reading all these facebook posts in this new group that was created for the worldwide fast.  I've been reading everyone's miracles and  I so want one for me.  I dream of getting a scan and having my doctor call and say, Kristi! There's no sign of Cancer!  No sign at all!   However, that's not going to happen....and then just as I type that, I think see Kristi, you don't have enough faith....   Oh How I want a miracle, but I know I have this trial for some reason, and even though I don't know what that reason is, I don't think I've learned what I'm supposed to learn yet. I have A LOT to learn!

I've had the great opportunity to travel a lot during my life.  There's been a unique feeling that happens to me sometimes when I travel.  I won't be able to explain it well in words, but I'll try.  There have been times when I'm on a tour of ancient ruins or something and I kind of pull out of myself for a bit and see all of the people and feel the hugeness of the world and I feel very, very insignificant. I feel very alone in the middle of it and wonder how on earth my Father in Heaven can possibly be aware of ME.  I pull back in and reassure myself that indeed he is aware and I move on and forget about it...on purpose.  Maybe I was afraid at that moment to ask Him if he is, because 1-  It feels too huge and 2- maybe I was afraid of the answer.  I have felt that a few times during this pandemic.  With all that is going on with the world, reading about some people's miracles and other people's tragedies and thinking of all the people working tirelessly to help others, MY cancer feels very insignificant.  I start to think that my Father in Heaven can't possibly have time to help me, bless me, even be aware of me.  I think of the angels extra busy assisting people on earth who really need it RIGHT now.  Of angels welcoming new arrivals and teaching them and I'm just over here hanging out wondering if He still remembers I have cancer and I'm scared. If he remembers my girls are scared of losing their mother. If he remembers my husband is worried about losing me and how he will take care of the girls on his own.....If he remembers he doesn't feel good either.  If he remembers my child that struggles with depression and anxiety.
It's time for me to look back at my life and see the miracles I have experienced, to stop and count my blessings and all that proves HE does still remember that I'm over here scared of all of it.

I am reminded of Peter when the Lord asked him 3 times do you love me?  Do you think the Lord feels like Peter may have felt?  Lord, you know I love you. I've been with you, I've followed you, learned from you, helped you.  Kristi, You know I love you, remember all that I've done for you? Remember how I've blessed you and comforted you? Maybe he's feeling a little flabbergasted like Peter must have felt.......Lord how can you even ask me that? You know!  Kristi, how can you even ask me that?  You know!
I know that I don't understand His power.  I can't begin to comprehend how omniscience works.

“My beloved brothers and sisters, I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face…On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then, the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal.” Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

And my heart is lifted, my faith is reaffirmed.

post note:  immediately upon finishing this post, the song from my mom's funeral came on the radio "She Put the Music in me"   There's my angel and there's my miracle.

Faith

I've been thinking a lot about Faith the past year. And I don't really have any answers to my questions or thoughts, but here's what I've been thinking about.

Faith in Jesus Christ is harder for me than I thought it was.  I've always been more on the anxious side, and I do lots of what iffing.  Somehow I've always felt that if I worry about it, then I won't be taken by surprise too much. I'll be prepared for whatever occurs and then I'll be able to handle it better. Make sense? Now I'm not neurotic or anything, and it's not a conscious thing, but I just tend to be a worrier. I jump ahead, I think of things that may or may not happen and I worry about it. Now does worrying change the outcome?  No, but somehow it serves a purpose for me. It protects me.  I was a bit of a worrier when I was young, but it really hit me after the birth of my first baby. Post Partum anxiety.  I wasn't depressed, I was stressed and overwhelmed and worried so much about this fragile little thing. Then it went into other areas of my life.  I know all the quotes and meme's about worrying taking away today's joy, blah blah blah. And I really started to see it more when I have to help one of my children who suffers from anxiety.  I have to coach her along the way sometimes and I feel a bit like I'm the pot and the kettle.  I never really thought that I wasn't having Faith by worrying.

When my mom died, all I wanted to do was to feel her, see her and have her tell me she was okay.  I wanted comfort from HER. I was very aware that the source of comfort should be from my Savior, but I just felt like if I could feel her, I would be okay.  I knew I was hoping for the wrong thing....not necessarily wrong, but the lesser right.

When I got my diagnosis and ever since, I have been searching for peace and I know that I need to receive it from the Lord.  I pray for it, I receive blessings for it, I fast for it, yet I've noticed that I tend to have Faith that the Savior will........something....   He will help my meds to work. He will make the tumors shrink. He will make the side effects of the drugs less annoying. Faith that he will do this or that.

Faith in the Savior means just that though.  Faith in the Savior.  Faith that everything will be okay. Faith that I will be taken care of, no matter what the outcome. Faith that my family will be okay even if it's without me.  This kind of Faith is harder for me.  It's hard to give it all to him. 

I read a story recently about putting our baskets in the water, like Jochebed, the birth mother of Moses.  I think the article was more about us sending our children out into the world and knowing that the Lord would watch over them, but I also saw the analogy for my life with the trial of Cancer.  I have to put my basket in the water, not knowing what's going to happen, but knowing it will be okay because I trust in the Lord.  I have to, in the words of Elsa "let it go." . I have to turn it over to him.  That's the hard part.

In reality, it should be so much easier to turn it over to him than to hold onto it. What a release that would be. To truly never worry because I know the Lord is at the helm.

Writing this all down makes me think....of course.....that's what you've tried to do your whole life, but I think I haven't.  Just like a visit from my mother wouldn't calm me as much as the Savior would, I still hold onto what I want. What I want to pray for. What I want to wish for. The way I want my story to turn out.

It's already been proven to me time and time again that life doesn't go according to MY plan and even when I've struggled and fought through trials, it has always turned out better than my plan anyway.
So I'm committing now to try to put my basket in the water. Maybe it will be one twig at a time, but eventually, I will be able to put it in the water and let it go....trusting that the Lord will take care of everyone and every outcome will be the best. And look what he did with Moses, he was more than okay. He was more than taken care of. He was incomprehensibly wonderful. And so will we be.