Confusion

 I know it's been so long since I've written. I've been in a whirlwind of confusion an honestly, I just haven't been able to get myself to write. I do better mentally when I keep myself distracted, so sometimes writing about it makes me focus too much on it. Although, writing about it seems to be a form of therapy as well.

Here's an update as of my last post.

December 4th I had bone and CT scans.  They came back mostly positive.... He saw some calcification on my liver mets which means it's dying. bones were stable, no new mets and overall looking fairly good.

A few weeks later, I woke in the night with pain in my right side (liver) It was bad enough to keep me awake. The next night it happened again and when I turned, I had a sharp stabbing pain there,

I called the the Doc, but, of course, it was the week of Christmas and he was out for the week. His "fill-in" had me get an ultrasound on my liver.  So a few days later, Christmas day, I saw the report on my patient portal and it said I had a new lesion in my left lobe that wasn't seen clearly on the prior CT scan and it seemed my right lobe tumor had grown significantly, but the radiologist and later my Doc. said it's hard to say because of the different machines used. CT vs. ultrasound.  So I just went in a downward spiral emotionally. My thoughts were all over the place. Xeloda had stopped working, nothing is going to work, you're going to die this year. Just really negative and hard as I tried, I couldn't seem to help it. I did all the things I know to make myself come out of the hole, but I just couldn't. Finally, a priesthood blessing has helped the most.

So this is where all the confusion comes in.  After looking at my ultrasound, etc. on Jan. 4, he wanted to see my tumor marker numbers.  When we looked at it, one had come down a bit and one had come up a bit. So he's thinking that Xeloda is working for everything except liver, so wait until Feb. and see the numbers and then we'd possibly do radiation on the liver.  So this has been my state of mind for 3 weeks.

2 weeks ago, along with the discomfort in my right side, I started getting new pains. twinges, discomfort in my left abdomen. So that is NOT liver related.  Now my mind started going to "Oh it's spreading to my spleen or pancreas and it's spreading all over my body super fast ( I had a friend that died within weeks of finding she had cancer, so I get scared it's going soooo fast)

So my appointment is still a week away, but this morning, needing some peace of mind, I called the nurse....which I had to call anyway to check on my insurance and order labs, etc.  I told her of the new pain and if it's something he would want to see me earlier for or ???????

So she looked at my scans and my bloodwork and said both my markers were down considerably.

So in confusion, I just checked my patient portal and it does show both of them down and then the graph that you can see kind of skips over the last numbers as if they're not accurate.

So, yeah I don't get it and I don't know what's going on in my abdomen, but I feel a bit better mentally seeing the new marker numbers but confused because it's different than what we talked about with him 3 weeks ago.

So, here I am reporting the details and where I'm at.  I still have side effects, although Esplin lowered my dosage. Things are just a little bit better in all the areas. Still annoying and I hate all the side effects, but just a tad bit more tolerable.

Hopefully, I'll be good and update after my appointment next week.

p.s. my hair is filling in nicely. I look like a boy, but that's progress!

Chemo brain

I read this article and thought, Oh my gosh, I have every single one of these! Chemo brain is real. Although, I also think it's this combined with a little PTSD from my diagnosis and also depression. I noticed some of them after my mom died. 

I get frustrated because I feel like I used to be a pretty "on top" of it person, and now, I just can't seem to think right.  I have left the hose on in my garden for 2 days, I always forget what I was about to do. I can't concentrate on anything, I always lose my train of thought mid sentence...... etc.  I feel like I've let others down when I forget to call them back or return a text.  I hope people forgive me.  Here's the list from an article

Chemo Brain Is Real And Here Are 10 Symptoms Associated With It

BY ANGELA BANKER

1. Feeling Slow – Many people with chemo brain report feeling slow in their thinking and mental processing. Figuring out a problem that has arose may take much longer than it normally would.
2. Forgetting Things I Already Know – Self explanatory
3. Lack Of Concentration – While sitting in a meeting, you noticed you cannot recall the last five minutes. What were we discussing again?  Where did your mind go during the meeting? You can’t remember!
4. Losing Your Train Of Thought – You are having a great conversation with your best friend when all of a sudden you forgot what you were talking about. It doesn’t happen just once, but multiple . . . Wait! What was I saying again?
5. Forgetting The Simple Things – Those small, everyday things can be the hardest to remember at times. You may rush out the door and get to your car before you question yourself, “Did I lock the front door?” You may get all the way to work before you call and question your husband, “Did I turn off the iron?” You could return home to notice you failed to turn off the television when you left earlier.
6. Trouble Multi-tasking – Multi-tasking is an art form. When you add chemo brain into the mix, it becomes more difficult. Trying to do two or three things at once during this time is challenging. 
7. Difficulty Learning New Things – Focus and concentration are qualities that go into learning. Chemo brain often affects each of those making learning that new skill even harder to do. 
8. Forgetting What You Were Going To Do – You stopped cleaning the kitchen in mid-clean to grab something in the living room. As soon as you walk in there, you ask yourself the 4 W’s. Why did I come in here? What was I going to do? Where was I really going? When did I forget?
9. Difficulty Speaking – That moment when you can’t remember what your favorite box of cereal is called – “That box, over there, in that thing. It’s red. It’s this tall. It’s . . . “ – can be embarrassing. Often times you know what you are talking about, but you just can’t seem to get the right words out.
10. Mental Fatigue – Add this to the lack of focus and the inability to concentrate. Your mind is just tired. Your brain feels overworked early in the afternoon leading to more confusion when you’re trying to follow a conversation.You could use a mental nap and find zoning out is becoming a frequent habit.                                                                                              You may find yourself reading this list saying, “I’ve had that and I’ve never taken chemotherapy.” It’s true! We have all experienced these. Imagine experiencing it ten times more frequently, or on a daily basis. Chemo brain takes those cognitive issues we have and intensifies them. Be patient with a person who is experiencing these symptoms. Often times they become frustrated themselves and would appreciate the support.