Lord, do you love me?

I never know what to title my posts. So I think I'll wait until I'm done and see if there's something that sticks out.

Today is Sunday, I think.  Being quarantined makes it hard to remember what day it is as we do pretty much the same thing. We've been trying to add new things each week to make the Sabbath more special than the other days.

I've had some random thoughts, so this post will probably be all over the place.

I've just had my week off of chemo.  I don't feel more energetic or anything, I just don't have to go through 2 days of feeling like I have the flu. I really like it, but it makes going back all the more hard.

I go in Tuesday for my appointment with Esplin and then my chemo.  For some reason I feel a bit more anxious.  He'll take my tumor markers....which we won't know for a few days after my appointment, but then I'll know if it will be time to stop Taxol because it's not working or if I will continue with it because it's still holding things at bay.

I've really been tested with mental endurance.  I feel like I just can't keep going on this nasty poison, but the alternative means that it's not working, so then I want to stay on it.  I've been reading all these facebook posts in this new group that was created for the worldwide fast.  I've been reading everyone's miracles and  I so want one for me.  I dream of getting a scan and having my doctor call and say, Kristi! There's no sign of Cancer!  No sign at all!   However, that's not going to happen....and then just as I type that, I think see Kristi, you don't have enough faith....   Oh How I want a miracle, but I know I have this trial for some reason, and even though I don't know what that reason is, I don't think I've learned what I'm supposed to learn yet. I have A LOT to learn!

I've had the great opportunity to travel a lot during my life.  There's been a unique feeling that happens to me sometimes when I travel.  I won't be able to explain it well in words, but I'll try.  There have been times when I'm on a tour of ancient ruins or something and I kind of pull out of myself for a bit and see all of the people and feel the hugeness of the world and I feel very, very insignificant. I feel very alone in the middle of it and wonder how on earth my Father in Heaven can possibly be aware of ME.  I pull back in and reassure myself that indeed he is aware and I move on and forget about it...on purpose.  Maybe I was afraid at that moment to ask Him if he is, because 1-  It feels too huge and 2- maybe I was afraid of the answer.  I have felt that a few times during this pandemic.  With all that is going on with the world, reading about some people's miracles and other people's tragedies and thinking of all the people working tirelessly to help others, MY cancer feels very insignificant.  I start to think that my Father in Heaven can't possibly have time to help me, bless me, even be aware of me.  I think of the angels extra busy assisting people on earth who really need it RIGHT now.  Of angels welcoming new arrivals and teaching them and I'm just over here hanging out wondering if He still remembers I have cancer and I'm scared. If he remembers my girls are scared of losing their mother. If he remembers my husband is worried about losing me and how he will take care of the girls on his own.....If he remembers he doesn't feel good either.  If he remembers my child that struggles with depression and anxiety.
It's time for me to look back at my life and see the miracles I have experienced, to stop and count my blessings and all that proves HE does still remember that I'm over here scared of all of it.

I am reminded of Peter when the Lord asked him 3 times do you love me?  Do you think the Lord feels like Peter may have felt?  Lord, you know I love you. I've been with you, I've followed you, learned from you, helped you.  Kristi, You know I love you, remember all that I've done for you? Remember how I've blessed you and comforted you? Maybe he's feeling a little flabbergasted like Peter must have felt.......Lord how can you even ask me that? You know!  Kristi, how can you even ask me that?  You know!
I know that I don't understand His power.  I can't begin to comprehend how omniscience works.

“My beloved brothers and sisters, I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face…On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then, the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal.” Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

And my heart is lifted, my faith is reaffirmed.

post note:  immediately upon finishing this post, the song from my mom's funeral came on the radio "She Put the Music in me"   There's my angel and there's my miracle.

Week ?

I've been wanting to write, but my kids have taken over all the computers and electronics in the house!

We've been quarantined now for 3 weeks and we're all going a bit crazy.

This week is Spring Break for school, so now I'm having to entertain them for even longer in the day.  I think they should just keep doing school and get it over with a week early instead of Spring Break.

Since I last wrote, I have had 2 chemo infusions and 1 doctor's appt.

Kevin hasn't been able to come with me. So he listened on the phone to Esplin.  Nothing very eventful at that visit.  He took my tumor markers and one went up again and one went down. So we wait another month.

Chemo is  Chemo.... the chairs are spread far apart and they took everyone that gets infusions for other things like MS or Chron's disease and put them in another room entirely and left it just for us cancer patients.  They do screening when you first walk in the building and at reception, but that's about it.  I guess I need to get a mask now.

It's been a crazy time and the focus has been so much on this virus and I wonder if anyone in my family will get it and then I wonder if I will get it, and then I wonder if I would survive it, and then I wonder if I'll survive my cancer and it's one eternal round.

It's been interesting to see how people react to this virus. Some just act like it's no big deal and some are so anxious it's crazy. It's a lot like cancer patients. Some people are at a place of "I've been doing this for 10 years and it's no big deal" and there's people that are brand new getting this diagnosis and their world is crumbling all around them. Then there's people like me.  I'm not quite as shocked as I was a year ago, but I'm still wondering if any of these treatments are going to work for me.  As far as my mets go, I'm in no better condition than I was a year ago. I'm not any worse at the moment either....except for losing my hair, my eyebrows, my eye lashes and having more pain when I try to do anything physical.

 I still struggle with thoughts of being ready to write letters to my girls for special occasions and not giving in to those thoughts because it makes me feel too sad.

I don't know what the Lord has in store for me, but this weekend was General Conference for my church and it was fabulous. Full of hope in the Savior, learning to "Hear Him."  Celebrating the 200th anniversary of The Savior and the Father appearing to the prophet Joseph Smith and hearing so many wonderful talks and testimonies.  I know it's all true and I'm thankful for that knowledge. It makes this disease and the fear of leaving my family that much easier. 

Tomorrow I have chemo and then a week off.