Panic and stability

My bone scan and CT scans were on Monday Sept. 30.
My anxiety shot so high up.  I was holding back tears, sometimes unsuccessfully, all day. While waiting for a shot of contrast stuff, I just about had a panic attack.  I don't know what was going on, just loads and loads of fear.
After my first scan of the day, we had about an hour break and were able to go get food since I had been fasting. When we got to the car, it all came pouring out. Poor Kevin.
I was so nervous and mad and distraught and sad. I just kept saying that "This is not the way my story is supposed to be!" "My life isn't supposed to go this way" " I hate everything about this...even the building we just came out of." 
Kevin just listened as I bawled and complained and shouted how unfair this all is and how I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare. 
I still feel like I'm living someone else's story.
After a second very long scan, we went home and I crashed. I was so physically and emotionally drained.
Well, the results were actually pretty good!
My Dr. appointment was this Wednesday and Dr. Esplin went over all the scans and says that right now I'm basically stable. Also, both tumor markers have come down!

This is great news!  However, I can't seem to feel very excited. Don't get me wrong, I'm so glad it wasn't the opposite, but I think I'm scared to hope and scared to be happy about it. 
One thing I've learned in the past 7 months is how smart Cancer can get and so so fast.  Anytime my drugs can just stop working cause the cancer has mutated and figured out how to survive.
I'm afraid to hope because I don't want to be caught off guard again. I don't want to be naive and think I'm doing so well only to learn that I'm not.

Maybe if I can have more and more scan results like that and get to a place of No Evidence of Disease, then I'll be able to emotionally celebrate a bit. But as all Metastatic patients know, it's never over until we take our last breath.
Dr. Esplin was also really happy about how I'm tolerating this Afinitor. He keeps expecting me to have peeling rashes on my hands and feet and mouth sores.  I haven't had any of those.
My current side effects are; itchy itchy dry skin....sometimes I scratch too much and I leave sores. Cotton mouth, nose sores. Constantly clearing my throat. Cold symptoms like runny nose and slight cough, sties in my eyes, fatigue, sometimes vomiting, also some not so fun stuff at the other end.
And I know there's more, I just can't think of them.......that's another one. MY brain drives me crazy. I can't multi task anymore, can't remember what I was just doing, etc. etc.
As time goes on, I could have more and more side effects, but for now I can tolerate these.

I've been having a lot of pain in my back. I have a lot of tumors up and down my spine and ribs. I can't seem to walk or be on my feet very long without it aching. I also can't carry heavy things or even small things for a period of time, or my back just aches.
I have a new pain in my left breast up high. He felt it, but couldn't feel anything there. Yesterday though, it became warm and red....so he called in some antibiotics for me.

I was reminiscing yesterday about how I was nervous to plant my garden this Spring. Well, I harvested "A LOT" and now we're expecting a hard freeze so it's all done.  I'm gad I planted and I'm glad I harvested and I hope I'll still be good for next year.

Infusions

So as I posted last time, I went in on Wednesday and got my first of many Zometa infusions. It's a bone strengthener and they give it to you via i.v.  When I asked Dr. Esplin about the side effects, he said none with a caveat that some people complain about bone aches for a few days.
Wednesday night I had a hard time sleeping because both my thigh's were aching. Nothing really new, and I woke up feeling okay. By 10:00 I was in some serious trouble. I hurt all over my body, I had chills, low grade fever, flu like symptoms, my head literally stung as well as every inch of me just hurt.  I managed to make it to Kinli's 1st grade program and then I was down for the count.
I slept on and off with the help of Tylenol, but it only helped slightly.  I felt so so terrible. The next morning I still felt crappy and a call to the Dr. and a google search confirmed that many people feel this way with their first infusion and it supposedly gets a bit better each time.  I stayed in bed until Maili's voice recital and then I hopped right back in. I do feel much better today, but still feel sore. My left calf and ankle started hurting even a bit before the infusion and I have had issues with it on and off.  Sometimes I feel like I'm faking the pain because it hurts one minute and I'm limping and the next I'm fine. I feel like a kid trying to get attention.
They didn't scan past my mid thigh, so I don't know about cancer down there, but I'm pretty sure it's there.  I also forgot to tell Dr. Esplin about the pain in my chest wall. It hurts when I breath deeply, but is better when I have the support of a bra. I'm sure there's cancer on the chest wall under where this whole thing started.

The whole thing has made me super weepy, emotional and depressed the past few days. I HATE Cancer and I HATE that is part of my life forever. I am still trying to get to acceptance, but it's a hard pill to swallow (pun intended)

I feel like cancer has taken so much from me and I'm angry. You know when you wake up and remember your bad dream?  Everyday I wake up and remember I have cancer and it stings every time.

I hate when I don't feel good because I think it stresses and worries my kids.  I try as hard as I can to pretend, but when you can't make it up the stairs with a basket of laundry, it's hard to hide.

I wonder if I'm ever going to feel good again? Am I ever going to feel like I have energy and excitement in my body? Like I could do a cartwheel if I wanted to? (not that I did a lot of cartwheels before)