The funeral

 I've always liked funerals. It doesn't matter who it is or how good or bad they have been, the funeral is full of all the good about that person. They usually don't mention the misdeeds or flaws of character, just the good and that person is celebrated

Yesterday I went to my friend Heather's funeral. The one I mentioned in my last post.  I had worried about going, thinking that it would be too hard with the sting of my diagnosis still fresh. I decided, however, that I could compartmentalize and go for Heather.
It was beautiful, but the moment I saw her two little girls walk in I just started to cry. I thought of my own sweet daughters walking with their amazing dad following my casket and it was hard. I managed to pull myself together and just listen to stories about Heather.

I may have written this before, but at this point in my journey, I'm not scared of death. I've read a lot and studied a lot and feel like I will be so okay when I die. I know I will be happy and safe. That's how I feel now, but ask me again when the time comes and I'll probably be full of fear. Anyway, right now I feel okay about how it will be for me when I die, but I worry about my family.

I don't want Kevin to have to go through losing a spouse and trying to take care of our children on his own. I've tried to talk to him about remarrying, but he won't talk about it.  Regardless if he does or not, it doesn't make things any less painful. For him to be alone, for my daughters to have to endure losing their mother at such tender ages. I hate that thought and I pray everyday that I will be allowed to stay here long enough to raise them and if possible, see them marry.  I want to grow old with Kevin. He is my favorite person, my everything and I want to grow old with him. I don't want him to grow old alone or with someone else.

I don't know how long I have, I don't know when it will be that there are no new treatments to try, but I hope that day is far far away.

Heather

I posted this on my Facebook page today.

This morning Heaven gained an extraordinary angel. This picture is a few years old, but it's how I remember her the most. This was before her body was damaged from the effects of brain cancer treatments. She had a unique kind of cancer and it started when she was about 10 years old. She had to relearn to walk. I don't even know how many times it came back, but the last time was the last time. She has been put through the ringer, literally became deaf, nearly blind, lost tons of of weight, trouble walking and hasn't even looked like the picture below for several years now. She taught me so much about attitude in the face of adversity. She taught me so much about service. She did everything and anything for everyone. She always had a giggle and a smile and of course loved her 2 little girls fiercely. In January, she was given 2 weeks to live. I contacted her and said my goodbyes and she still had a positive attitude. She made it a few more months. Thanks for your example Heather. 

I hope that if and when my cancer progresses so far and my body has crumbled under the effects of the many treatments, that I can have as bright of an attitude as you. Be at peace sweet Heather and rest from your earthly cares. I know you're already serving and giggling.

I'm wondering if I can handle her funeral. I'd like to be there to honor my sweet friend. I wonder if I can compartmentalize and not feel too personal about it, especially when I see her two girls.

Have I mentioned that I hate Cancer!

This week has been kind of up and down. Monday we went to the cemetery and that was good but hard. I I just wanted to talk to my mom, ask her for her wisdom and get a hug.
Also, my drugs can make me pretty moody and I was on a roller coaster.  I've had a couple of days where my left ankle from just below my knee down hurts so bad. Doesn't matter if I'm walking or not. Not much will help it. I've been trying to put off the heavy pain killers as long as I can. Apparently Claratin helps with bone pain as well as Aleve.....which I'm not supposed to take that often because it's a blood thinner like Advil. It has hurt to the point of tears. The past three days though I haven't  felt anything and I've even been doing yard work.  If feels good to act normal

Grief, Anger and Hope

The past couple of days have been pretty hard emotionally for me. Grief has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it.  I've really been missing my mom.  I think my brain is trying to deal with all this in some kind of organized way. I was at the beginning of grief of my mom when I got this diagnosis. As I've been thrust into this new cancer world, my brain has literally been overloaded. I have never felt so full mentally. Too full.

The grief of my mom took a backseat...but not really, maybe kind of a passenger seat. My focus has been on this cancer and dealing with all of the emotions and information overload. Yet at the same time wishing oh so much that she were here.

This weekend, mom came back into the forefront. I don't know if it was because it was Easter and I was filled with memories of her hiding our baskets and having Easter egg hunts for the grand kids. Maybe it was the memories of the past couple of years with my kids going to her party at her Assisted living facility. Maybe it was the creamy potatoes and peas that she and my grandma Scoresby used to make that we had at dinner? Maybe it was the song from her funeral that I heard on the radio. For whatever reason, I have been mourning her more intensely.

I've also been in the anger stage of grief as far as cancer goes. I'm angry that my life is changing so drastically. I'm angry that I get so dang tired when I haven't really done anything. I'm angry that everything seems hard. Everything.  I'm angry that I have to feel pain. I'm angry that I have to be the one with this.  Don't get me wrong, I don't wish this upon anyone! ANYONE!  Yet at the same time of all the people in my neighborhood, or all the people at the theme park, or all the people at my kids school, I am the one and it makes me angry.  I guess it's a pity party.

I don't want to be part of this cancer world. I don't want to have to be the flaky friend that may or may not show up because I may not be feeling well. I don't want to be the one that always picks the easiest thing for dinner cause I'm too tired. I don't want to be the one that everyone sees and when I see them see me, I see that look on their faces.  I don't want to feel each new pain and wonder constantly if a tumor has grown.  I don't want to be the one that is writing this oh so depressing blog! 

I'm hoping grief will turn into acceptance and I'll be able to find more positive things. For now, I'm letting myself feel what I need to feel. I'm hoping that by writing all my feelings out that I can get those out of the way and be positive and upbeat with my family.

And now hope.  Easter had so much more meaning to me than it ever has before.  I miss my mom, but because of Christ, I will see her again and be with her. 
I will die sooner than expected, but because of HIM I will be made whole. 
I will leave my children, but because of HIM I will see them again and they will see me and we can be together forever.
Because of HIM I will be with my rock, my love and best friend forever.
Because of HIM all of this pain (emotional and physical) is molding me, refining me.
Because of HIM all will be made right.

So In the midst of my Grief, in the midst of my anger, I have hope.  Hope to live, Hope to fight, Hope to survive and hope to endure.

Because of HIM.

The other side

When all this started, I was kind of 
angry and confused that my mom had recently passed away when I needed her most.  Not mad at her, not mad at God, just mad at the situation and felt more alone. How in the world was I supposed to handle these trials all at once and without her?
I have come to know that my mom was taken at this time probably for many reasons for her, but also she was taken at this time for me.  As her physical body hasn't been serving her well for quite some time, if she were here, there's not much she could do for me or for my family. and that would frustrate her. But I now know, beyond a doubt, that she was taken so she could be there for me and my family. As much as I just really need a hug from her, and oh do I need one, I know that she is helping me in ways I can't comprehend. I know she is working with our Savior to comfort me and my family. To help the Lord with his purposes for me. I don't know all the ways, but I know she is. I have strong faith in the post-earth life, paradise, after-life, whatever you call it. I know mom is doing amazing things and is happy where she is. I know that our Father in Heaven uses our deceased family and friends to come to our aid and that we can pray for that.

President Joseph F Smith declared: "When messengers are sent to minister to the inhabitants of this earth, they are not strangers, but from the ranks of our kindred {and} friends.....In the like manner, our fathers and mothers, brothers, sisters, and friends who have passed away from this earth, having been faithful, and worthy to enjoy these rights and privileges, may have a mission given them to visit their relatives and friends upon the earth again, bringing from the divine Presence messages of love, of warning, of reproof and instruction to those whom they had learned to love in the flesh"

I have felt my mom there to help me in ways that she couldn't from here.