Pain

 Well, had my appointment with Esplin. markers still went down. Just a couple points each, but it's still in the right direction. However, my pain was getting worse and worse.  He ordered me an MRI of that area and sure enough....

A tumor has eroded through my bone in my sacrum and is encapsulating my sciatic nerve.  Not sure what encapsulating means in this situation, but man it hurts.  Pain killers don't even help anymore.

So I met with the radiation oncologist. Dr McAllister.  I had to go several times and do CT's and x-rays to get everything lined up while they  did "planning"  Placing images over images, marking sharpie marks and stickers all over my abdomen, etc. Then last Friday, I had my first radiation.

Now that machine is the biggest I've seen yet.  I call her Big Bertha.  I lay down, (pants around my knees) The techs line me up and I lay there listening to 80's music and within 5 minutes I'm done. Don't feel a thing.

So now I am exactly half way through. I will get a total of 10 treatments and I go everyday except the weekends.

I asked the dr. how fast I could start feeling relief and he said anywhere from the first zap to 3 months. Everybody is different.

I guess, in my mind, I like to imagine this laser beam coming down and this big explosion of my tumor.  That would be cool, but no,  it's a slow death and depending on the strength of the tumor and the kind, etc. it may be 3 months.  

I have been praying for relief sooner rather than later.  I'm so drugged up, in pain and so so tired.

I'm so thankful for my ward (church congregation)  that are bringing in meals and building garden boxes for me.  People are so incredibly good.

I feel bad sometimes, because I have offers to take my kids to school, etc.  but Kinli has been having a rough time....she is worried about me a lot, so I try to make things as normal as possible for her.

sigh   have I mentioned how stupid cancer is?

Chemo update

So I've had 2 infusions of Taxol now.
The first time I went, they gave me an infusion of Benadryl and a steroid before the Taxol.
The Benadryl made me so jittery. I couldn't stop moving. I was up and down and all over the place! It must be what an addict feels like when they need their fix or something.  It was so awful. It lasted about an hour and then I crashed.  Slept until the nurse woke me up telling me I was done. She made a note to give me Claritin from now on instead of Benadryl.

Because of Thanksgiving break, they were closed on the next Friday and I had an appt. with Esplin on the next Monday anyway, so my treatments will now be on Mondays.

So far, I come home and within an hour it hits.  I don't even know how to describe what I feel,  I just feel crappy.  Head hurts, body achey.  I feel beat up and well,.....like I've been poisoned. Which I have.

The next day is about the same.  By Wednesday I think I'm feeling better so I get up and do stuff and then I realize that I've pushed myself too hard. (showering and getting ready for the day)

Thursday feels a bit better, but I just feel blah.
I hope I have a few good days Sat and Sunday before I go back on Monday.

I went wig shopping yesterday. I dragged my friend Lynsey with me. She's a great friend and happens to also do my hair.  I was freaking out and just needed someone with me. 
It wasn't so bad after a bit, but at first I was really freaked out.  I put on some scarfs and stuff and just looked like Cancer.  I found a wig that actually looked a lot like me. Then I found what they call Halos.  You wear them under a hat and the hair sticks out so it looks like you're just wearing a hat and not bald.
I'm still holding out hope that I will keep my hair OR that maybe it will just thin. Nothing has happened yet, but it's still early,

Emotionally, I haven't been doing too well. I'm sure feeling sick has a lot to do with it.  I've been very hopeless, weepy and irritable.  I keep feeling like this is it and I'm never going to feel "good" again. I feel like it's not going to work.
I've also been having tons of back pain and can't stand or walk for very long.  I'm scared it's going to break any second.  I've heard of women just rolling over in bed and they break their back or neck or whatever.  It feels like that to me. my lower back really really hurts and it's scary.

My kids have all been having a rough time.  The younger two are crying and stressed a lot. Also needy.  Haeli always seems to handle things well, but I'm afraid that she'll keep it in too much.  Maili has struggled a lot.  They all say that it is easier to forget I have cancer when I don't look or act sick.
I'm laying around a lot and with most likely losing my hair, it will be tough on them.
I told Kinli she could draw a face on the back of my head and she didn't like that at all. I thought it was funny.

Being the Holidays has made missing my mom all the more difficult and on the 23rd it will have been a year since she died.  I don't even know where this year has gone.  I've been in a fog all year and don't remember much of what has happened except for Cancer.

I'm not handling this very bravely like I would like.  I'm a mess and it's been hard. 
For anyone that reads this,  I really need your prayers.

Infusions

So as I posted last time, I went in on Wednesday and got my first of many Zometa infusions. It's a bone strengthener and they give it to you via i.v.  When I asked Dr. Esplin about the side effects, he said none with a caveat that some people complain about bone aches for a few days.
Wednesday night I had a hard time sleeping because both my thigh's were aching. Nothing really new, and I woke up feeling okay. By 10:00 I was in some serious trouble. I hurt all over my body, I had chills, low grade fever, flu like symptoms, my head literally stung as well as every inch of me just hurt.  I managed to make it to Kinli's 1st grade program and then I was down for the count.
I slept on and off with the help of Tylenol, but it only helped slightly.  I felt so so terrible. The next morning I still felt crappy and a call to the Dr. and a google search confirmed that many people feel this way with their first infusion and it supposedly gets a bit better each time.  I stayed in bed until Maili's voice recital and then I hopped right back in. I do feel much better today, but still feel sore. My left calf and ankle started hurting even a bit before the infusion and I have had issues with it on and off.  Sometimes I feel like I'm faking the pain because it hurts one minute and I'm limping and the next I'm fine. I feel like a kid trying to get attention.
They didn't scan past my mid thigh, so I don't know about cancer down there, but I'm pretty sure it's there.  I also forgot to tell Dr. Esplin about the pain in my chest wall. It hurts when I breath deeply, but is better when I have the support of a bra. I'm sure there's cancer on the chest wall under where this whole thing started.

The whole thing has made me super weepy, emotional and depressed the past few days. I HATE Cancer and I HATE that is part of my life forever. I am still trying to get to acceptance, but it's a hard pill to swallow (pun intended)

I feel like cancer has taken so much from me and I'm angry. You know when you wake up and remember your bad dream?  Everyday I wake up and remember I have cancer and it stings every time.

I hate when I don't feel good because I think it stresses and worries my kids.  I try as hard as I can to pretend, but when you can't make it up the stairs with a basket of laundry, it's hard to hide.

I wonder if I'm ever going to feel good again? Am I ever going to feel like I have energy and excitement in my body? Like I could do a cartwheel if I wanted to? (not that I did a lot of cartwheels before)