I've been wanting to write, but my kids have taken over all the computers and electronics in the house!
We've been quarantined now for 3 weeks and we're all going a bit crazy.
This week is Spring Break for school, so now I'm having to entertain them for even longer in the day. I think they should just keep doing school and get it over with a week early instead of Spring Break.
Since I last wrote, I have had 2 chemo infusions and 1 doctor's appt.
Kevin hasn't been able to come with me. So he listened on the phone to Esplin. Nothing very eventful at that visit. He took my tumor markers and one went up again and one went down. So we wait another month.
Chemo is Chemo.... the chairs are spread far apart and they took everyone that gets infusions for other things like MS or Chron's disease and put them in another room entirely and left it just for us cancer patients. They do screening when you first walk in the building and at reception, but that's about it. I guess I need to get a mask now.
It's been a crazy time and the focus has been so much on this virus and I wonder if anyone in my family will get it and then I wonder if I will get it, and then I wonder if I would survive it, and then I wonder if I'll survive my cancer and it's one eternal round.
It's been interesting to see how people react to this virus. Some just act like it's no big deal and some are so anxious it's crazy. It's a lot like cancer patients. Some people are at a place of "I've been doing this for 10 years and it's no big deal" and there's people that are brand new getting this diagnosis and their world is crumbling all around them. Then there's people like me. I'm not quite as shocked as I was a year ago, but I'm still wondering if any of these treatments are going to work for me. As far as my mets go, I'm in no better condition than I was a year ago. I'm not any worse at the moment either....except for losing my hair, my eyebrows, my eye lashes and having more pain when I try to do anything physical.
I still struggle with thoughts of being ready to write letters to my girls for special occasions and not giving in to those thoughts because it makes me feel too sad.
I don't know what the Lord has in store for me, but this weekend was General Conference for my church and it was fabulous. Full of hope in the Savior, learning to "Hear Him." Celebrating the 200th anniversary of The Savior and the Father appearing to the prophet Joseph Smith and hearing so many wonderful talks and testimonies. I know it's all true and I'm thankful for that knowledge. It makes this disease and the fear of leaving my family that much easier.
Tomorrow I have chemo and then a week off.
Showing posts with label Hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hope. Show all posts
Monday, April 6, 2020
Wednesday, March 18, 2020
World Chaos
Sometimes I have all these things in my head and want to write them down and then I get distracted and forget what I was going to write. So then I don't write and now it's been forever/
Right now I'm on my week off of Taxol. I'm scheduled to see Esplin next Tuesday and do another infusion.
I'm scheduled, but right now our country is in chaos. We're all self isolating and social distancing because of the Coronavirus. I am in the "at risk" category because of stupid cancer. In addition to not having school or church, we are also not doing friends.
I'm not too scared that I'm going to get it. I hope I don't and I don't know what my body would do if I did, but I am concerned that I won't be able to get my chemo treatment. They're really cracking down and closing up places. I got a message this morning from Revere Health that some appointments could be cancelled. We also had an earthquake this morning. Sheesh
The other day I had a weird experience. I think it was Thursday or Friday and we were getting all this information about school's closing and so much stuff about the virus and I was so full of that, that I forgot about Cancer. For the first time in a long time, I forgot about Cancer. The reason I know I forgot is that I then remembered.
Remembering is like when you wake up and think it was a bad dream and then realize that it's not. It's real. And it hurts so bad. It's a rush of emotions all at once and it's hard.
I was on facebook and I saw a post from a gal that I've never met, was planning on meeting soon, and is a year ahead of me in this journey and lives right here in my city. She started on taxol in February and the Taxol actually stimulated the growth of her liver tumors and she is now in liver failure and have been given about 3-5 weeks to live.
She has the exact same mets as me. Bones and liver. She is a member of my church and believes as I do about life after death. She never married and is around 42 years old.
It hit me like a boulder. I got scared and I cried and went to that dark place. I crawled out fast, because I dd not want to stay there. It scared me. and I've been trying to detach from it.
Now I am facilitating school to 4 kids and trying to figure out what is going on in the world. A little secret I have is that I have kind of wanted the end of the world or the Second Coming to happen....I've been hoping that it will come sooner than later so that I won't have to die and leave my family. So my girls and Kevin won't have to worry about losing me. I'm sure this is all a sign of the times, but theres's still so much that needs to happen for the end is here.
I sound like a real downer today.......maybe cause it's rainy and we've been locked inside.
I'm doing okay and I'm hopeful and anxious to find out what my body is doing with this cancer. I hope that it's kicking it's butt. I hope and pray that my tumors are getting weaker and dumber and won't be able to hold on any longer and just dissolve away. I'm hoping and that's good.
I'm not too scared that I'm going to get it. I hope I don't and I don't know what my body would do if I did, but I am concerned that I won't be able to get my chemo treatment. They're really cracking down and closing up places. I got a message this morning from Revere Health that some appointments could be cancelled. We also had an earthquake this morning. Sheesh
The other day I had a weird experience. I think it was Thursday or Friday and we were getting all this information about school's closing and so much stuff about the virus and I was so full of that, that I forgot about Cancer. For the first time in a long time, I forgot about Cancer. The reason I know I forgot is that I then remembered.
Remembering is like when you wake up and think it was a bad dream and then realize that it's not. It's real. And it hurts so bad. It's a rush of emotions all at once and it's hard.
I was on facebook and I saw a post from a gal that I've never met, was planning on meeting soon, and is a year ahead of me in this journey and lives right here in my city. She started on taxol in February and the Taxol actually stimulated the growth of her liver tumors and she is now in liver failure and have been given about 3-5 weeks to live.
She has the exact same mets as me. Bones and liver. She is a member of my church and believes as I do about life after death. She never married and is around 42 years old.
It hit me like a boulder. I got scared and I cried and went to that dark place. I crawled out fast, because I dd not want to stay there. It scared me. and I've been trying to detach from it.
Now I am facilitating school to 4 kids and trying to figure out what is going on in the world. A little secret I have is that I have kind of wanted the end of the world or the Second Coming to happen....I've been hoping that it will come sooner than later so that I won't have to die and leave my family. So my girls and Kevin won't have to worry about losing me. I'm sure this is all a sign of the times, but theres's still so much that needs to happen for the end is here.
I sound like a real downer today.......maybe cause it's rainy and we've been locked inside.
I'm doing okay and I'm hopeful and anxious to find out what my body is doing with this cancer. I hope that it's kicking it's butt. I hope and pray that my tumors are getting weaker and dumber and won't be able to hold on any longer and just dissolve away. I'm hoping and that's good.
Thursday, January 23, 2020
Focus on the posistive
When I was first diagnosed, almost a year ago, I was reminded of a gal in my old ward/neighborhood, that had MBC. I knew her a little bit, and thought the world of her, but didn't know her really well.
However, in my need for answers, hope and needing some reassurance, I called her, or maybe she called me. She was so good at listening and helped me realize that it's possible to live WITH cancer.
Well, the year has gone on and things have changed with my cancer multiple times. My hopes and fears have been all over the place.
After my last scans, I was back in an emotional hole. Feeling lack of hope, fear of my future or lack thereof, mad at my body and frustrated with my stupid cancer that is more aggressive and complicated than I want/thought it would be.
So on Monday, my friend texted and came over for a visit. She brought treats and gifts etc. but most importantly, she brought hope. I don't think she even knows how much she helped me.
She has had MBC for 11 years! and most incredibly, she never had clear scans until last year! So she has been living and working and doing WITH cancer. It wasn't until just a year ago that she got her first clear scan!
She has had several surgeries over the years to remove tumors and at the beginning she had a double mastectomy and hysterectomy.
I know she told me this a year ago, but I hear so many stories of people's journeys and my brain is in such a fog that I forget who goes with which story.
Anyway, I guess in the whole dream I have of getting to the point of no evidence of disease, I get too focused on it. Her visit helped me realize that even if I don't get to a point of NED, I can still LIVE. I can still survive.
I started thinking about how my liver tumor IS shrinking, my bone lesions aren't going to kill me.....as long as they stay in the bones. even the cancer in my breast isn't going to kill me......at least not now. It's the cancer that spreads to my organs, etc. that I need to be most worried about, and right now it's okay. There are treatments for my lesions that aren't responding to chemo and I can be hopeful.
So I am. I'm focusing on the positive. Feeling more brave to fight and that is good for today.
However, in my need for answers, hope and needing some reassurance, I called her, or maybe she called me. She was so good at listening and helped me realize that it's possible to live WITH cancer.
Well, the year has gone on and things have changed with my cancer multiple times. My hopes and fears have been all over the place.
After my last scans, I was back in an emotional hole. Feeling lack of hope, fear of my future or lack thereof, mad at my body and frustrated with my stupid cancer that is more aggressive and complicated than I want/thought it would be.
So on Monday, my friend texted and came over for a visit. She brought treats and gifts etc. but most importantly, she brought hope. I don't think she even knows how much she helped me.
She has had MBC for 11 years! and most incredibly, she never had clear scans until last year! So she has been living and working and doing WITH cancer. It wasn't until just a year ago that she got her first clear scan!
She has had several surgeries over the years to remove tumors and at the beginning she had a double mastectomy and hysterectomy.
I know she told me this a year ago, but I hear so many stories of people's journeys and my brain is in such a fog that I forget who goes with which story.
Anyway, I guess in the whole dream I have of getting to the point of no evidence of disease, I get too focused on it. Her visit helped me realize that even if I don't get to a point of NED, I can still LIVE. I can still survive.
I started thinking about how my liver tumor IS shrinking, my bone lesions aren't going to kill me.....as long as they stay in the bones. even the cancer in my breast isn't going to kill me......at least not now. It's the cancer that spreads to my organs, etc. that I need to be most worried about, and right now it's okay. There are treatments for my lesions that aren't responding to chemo and I can be hopeful.
So I am. I'm focusing on the positive. Feeling more brave to fight and that is good for today.
Tuesday, May 14, 2019
Planting hope
I still question whether or not I should make this blog private again cause I have some deep thoughts that I need to get out and I'm not sure I want everyone to know them. It makes me feel very vulnerable and a little psycho to share some of my deepest, darkest thoughts. I think that if people know these thoughts then they will think differently of me or act differently around me....but they are anyway......
As strong and hopeful as I may sound sometimes, I've been in a depression and so has Kevin . and I think even a couple of my girls are dealing with their own levels of depression. I wish I could take the burden away from them. I wish I could deal with this secretly on my own and not have to worry anyone.
When I first got this news, I don't know how to explain the overload in my head. I literally couldn't handle it. All of that coupled with all the drowning of information dumped on me about cancer and Mets and chemo and facts and fiction. I just couldn't process. I forgot and still do forget things easily. I walk around like a zombie sometimes not knowing what I'm doing.
The trip to Florida helped take some of those thoughts and put them on the shelf for a bit and I really needed it. I wouldn't say for me that the trip was fun. I was just managing, but it helped.
Coming back, it's been interesting to see what my brain is doing handling all of this. The darkest and scariest thoughts are really down deep and even when I think of them, my brain doesn't let me truly absorb it. It's protecting me. But I know it's there. At times my grief is about my mom. At times it's about Kevin and all that I'm heaping upon him unintentionally. At times my grief is for my girls and worrying how they are doing or will do without me. Sometimes my grief is for others and at times it's for me.
I still get up everyday and do my stuff and I'm thankful I still can, but everyday I wonder how long I will be able to.
I love to plant. I love to plant flowers and gardens. I love to nurture them and see them grow. This year I've been scared to plant. Part of me is just depressed and I just don't feel like it. Part of me feels like planting is false hope and what's the point. Part of me is worried that I won't be able to care for my garden in the late summer. Part of me just thinks it sounds too hard.
However, I mentioned a desire to plant to Kevin and part of my mother's day gift was that he got new soil and got my garden boxes ready to plant.
I actually got a little excited and I went and bought vegetables and flowers. Yesterday and today I planted.
And while I planted, I hoped. I hoped that I would see them flourish, I hoped that I would be able to care for them. I hoped that in the Fall I will be able to clear out my planters to ready for winter and do it all again next year. I hoped that things will stay as they are now and that my medications are working and I won't have to try new ones that may make me sicker. I hoped that my next PET scans will show shrinkage and not growth. I hoped that I can keep feeling like this for years to come.
I hoped for a bit and that was good for my soul.
As strong and hopeful as I may sound sometimes, I've been in a depression and so has Kevin . and I think even a couple of my girls are dealing with their own levels of depression. I wish I could take the burden away from them. I wish I could deal with this secretly on my own and not have to worry anyone.
When I first got this news, I don't know how to explain the overload in my head. I literally couldn't handle it. All of that coupled with all the drowning of information dumped on me about cancer and Mets and chemo and facts and fiction. I just couldn't process. I forgot and still do forget things easily. I walk around like a zombie sometimes not knowing what I'm doing.
The trip to Florida helped take some of those thoughts and put them on the shelf for a bit and I really needed it. I wouldn't say for me that the trip was fun. I was just managing, but it helped.
Coming back, it's been interesting to see what my brain is doing handling all of this. The darkest and scariest thoughts are really down deep and even when I think of them, my brain doesn't let me truly absorb it. It's protecting me. But I know it's there. At times my grief is about my mom. At times it's about Kevin and all that I'm heaping upon him unintentionally. At times my grief is for my girls and worrying how they are doing or will do without me. Sometimes my grief is for others and at times it's for me.
I still get up everyday and do my stuff and I'm thankful I still can, but everyday I wonder how long I will be able to.
I love to plant. I love to plant flowers and gardens. I love to nurture them and see them grow. This year I've been scared to plant. Part of me is just depressed and I just don't feel like it. Part of me feels like planting is false hope and what's the point. Part of me is worried that I won't be able to care for my garden in the late summer. Part of me just thinks it sounds too hard.
However, I mentioned a desire to plant to Kevin and part of my mother's day gift was that he got new soil and got my garden boxes ready to plant.
I actually got a little excited and I went and bought vegetables and flowers. Yesterday and today I planted.
And while I planted, I hoped. I hoped that I would see them flourish, I hoped that I would be able to care for them. I hoped that in the Fall I will be able to clear out my planters to ready for winter and do it all again next year. I hoped that things will stay as they are now and that my medications are working and I won't have to try new ones that may make me sicker. I hoped that my next PET scans will show shrinkage and not growth. I hoped that I can keep feeling like this for years to come.
I hoped for a bit and that was good for my soul.
Monday, April 22, 2019
Grief, Anger and Hope
The past couple of days have been pretty hard emotionally for me. Grief has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it. I've really been missing my mom. I think my brain is trying to deal with all this in some kind of organized way. I was at the beginning of grief of my mom when I got this diagnosis. As I've been thrust into this new cancer world, my brain has literally been overloaded. I have never felt so full mentally. Too full.
The grief of my mom took a backseat...but not really, maybe kind of a passenger seat. My focus has been on this cancer and dealing with all of the emotions and information overload. Yet at the same time wishing oh so much that she were here.
This weekend, mom came back into the forefront. I don't know if it was because it was Easter and I was filled with memories of her hiding our baskets and having Easter egg hunts for the grand kids. Maybe it was the memories of the past couple of years with my kids going to her party at her Assisted living facility. Maybe it was the creamy potatoes and peas that she and my grandma Scoresby used to make that we had at dinner? Maybe it was the song from her funeral that I heard on the radio. For whatever reason, I have been mourning her more intensely.
I've also been in the anger stage of grief as far as cancer goes. I'm angry that my life is changing so drastically. I'm angry that I get so dang tired when I haven't really done anything. I'm angry that everything seems hard. Everything. I'm angry that I have to feel pain. I'm angry that I have to be the one with this. Don't get me wrong, I don't wish this upon anyone! ANYONE! Yet at the same time of all the people in my neighborhood, or all the people at the theme park, or all the people at my kids school, I am the one and it makes me angry. I guess it's a pity party.
I don't want to be part of this cancer world. I don't want to have to be the flaky friend that may or may not show up because I may not be feeling well. I don't want to be the one that always picks the easiest thing for dinner cause I'm too tired. I don't want to be the one that everyone sees and when I see them see me, I see that look on their faces. I don't want to feel each new pain and wonder constantly if a tumor has grown. I don't want to be the one that is writing this oh so depressing blog!
I'm hoping grief will turn into acceptance and I'll be able to find more positive things. For now, I'm letting myself feel what I need to feel. I'm hoping that by writing all my feelings out that I can get those out of the way and be positive and upbeat with my family.
And now hope. Easter had so much more meaning to me than it ever has before. I miss my mom, but because of Christ, I will see her again and be with her.
I will die sooner than expected, but because of HIM I will be made whole.
I will leave my children, but because of HIM I will see them again and they will see me and we can be together forever.
Because of HIM I will be with my rock, my love and best friend forever.
Because of HIM all of this pain (emotional and physical) is molding me, refining me.
Because of HIM all will be made right.
So In the midst of my Grief, in the midst of my anger, I have hope. Hope to live, Hope to fight, Hope to survive and hope to endure.
Because of HIM.
The grief of my mom took a backseat...but not really, maybe kind of a passenger seat. My focus has been on this cancer and dealing with all of the emotions and information overload. Yet at the same time wishing oh so much that she were here.
This weekend, mom came back into the forefront. I don't know if it was because it was Easter and I was filled with memories of her hiding our baskets and having Easter egg hunts for the grand kids. Maybe it was the memories of the past couple of years with my kids going to her party at her Assisted living facility. Maybe it was the creamy potatoes and peas that she and my grandma Scoresby used to make that we had at dinner? Maybe it was the song from her funeral that I heard on the radio. For whatever reason, I have been mourning her more intensely.
I've also been in the anger stage of grief as far as cancer goes. I'm angry that my life is changing so drastically. I'm angry that I get so dang tired when I haven't really done anything. I'm angry that everything seems hard. Everything. I'm angry that I have to feel pain. I'm angry that I have to be the one with this. Don't get me wrong, I don't wish this upon anyone! ANYONE! Yet at the same time of all the people in my neighborhood, or all the people at the theme park, or all the people at my kids school, I am the one and it makes me angry. I guess it's a pity party.
I don't want to be part of this cancer world. I don't want to have to be the flaky friend that may or may not show up because I may not be feeling well. I don't want to be the one that always picks the easiest thing for dinner cause I'm too tired. I don't want to be the one that everyone sees and when I see them see me, I see that look on their faces. I don't want to feel each new pain and wonder constantly if a tumor has grown. I don't want to be the one that is writing this oh so depressing blog!
I'm hoping grief will turn into acceptance and I'll be able to find more positive things. For now, I'm letting myself feel what I need to feel. I'm hoping that by writing all my feelings out that I can get those out of the way and be positive and upbeat with my family.
And now hope. Easter had so much more meaning to me than it ever has before. I miss my mom, but because of Christ, I will see her again and be with her.
I will die sooner than expected, but because of HIM I will be made whole.
I will leave my children, but because of HIM I will see them again and they will see me and we can be together forever.
Because of HIM I will be with my rock, my love and best friend forever.
Because of HIM all of this pain (emotional and physical) is molding me, refining me.
Because of HIM all will be made right.
So In the midst of my Grief, in the midst of my anger, I have hope. Hope to live, Hope to fight, Hope to survive and hope to endure.
Because of HIM.
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