Faith is hard

Where to begin?
My tumor markers have been consistently going back up. So Esplin started me on a new chemo pill called Piqray in addition to my weekly infusions.

That same week, I had scans. May 13th. Esplin called me back the same night to tell me that everything was still stable!  I was really surprised!

Had my appointment with him on the 19th.   He explained that the fact the markers were going up meant that even though the scans show I'm stable, the cells are more active. He also mentioned that the cells in the bones go into these pockets in the bones and you can't really see them on scansSo I got my infusion along with my monthly Faslodex shots and my 3 month Lupron shot.  It hit me a lot earlier than usual and I was down for the count.  The next day I'm used to being sick, but this time was worse.  The digestive stuff was more frequent and I ended up with a fever Wednesday night.  It was back down by the morning. Thursday I'm usually ready to get going again, but this time I was still feeling sick.  Digestive issues, headaches, pains all over my body and nauseous. Not to mention that my taste has been worsening the past few weeks.  I couldn't even eat ice cream it was so gross.

By Friday I was pretty much back to my normal, but I'm definitely feeling the effects of two chemos vs. one.  Oh also, my hair has started to fall out again.

I'm frustrated and I am having a hard time thinking I have to stay on Taxol when it doesn't really seem to be helping much anymore.... Yet, if I go off of it, what will I do?

I'm frustrated that I'm over a  year into this and I'm no better than I was. Nothing seems to be working very well and we're checking off the treatments way too fast.

I'm working constantly on Faith in the Savior. Faith that everything will be okay no matter what.  It's hard to let go.  True Faith is hard. So very hard.  Being okay with whatever occurs, knowing it's better than my plan, letting go of control of something that I don't have control of in the first place.  I'm trying to practice it and some days or moments, I do better than others.

“Fighting through darkness and despair and pleading for the light is what opened this dispensation. It is what keeps it going, and it is what will keep you going.”
―Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, Created for Greater Things

“If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived.”
―Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, "The Inconvenient Messiah"

Roller coasters

So I had my appointment with Esplin 2 weeks ago. There wasn't really much to talk about. He's still quite surprised that I'm doing as well as I am. No neuropathy or mouth sores, hand or feet sores.

They took my tumor markers and I got them back a few days later.  They both went up a lot.

So I went back into my hole for a bit. Cried, questioned and regrouped.  He had me come in a week later to check the markers again. I did and a few days later found out that at least one of them is down a few points again. (Other one isn't in yet)

I start wondering what is going on and am just sitting by waiting.  I have another chemo this week and then a week off.  Then I'll have my appointment and he will order scans.