So I've had 2 infusions of Taxol now.
The first time I went, they gave me an infusion of Benadryl and a steroid before the Taxol.
The Benadryl made me so jittery. I couldn't stop moving. I was up and down and all over the place! It must be what an addict feels like when they need their fix or something. It was so awful. It lasted about an hour and then I crashed. Slept until the nurse woke me up telling me I was done. She made a note to give me Claritin from now on instead of Benadryl.
Because of Thanksgiving break, they were closed on the next Friday and I had an appt. with Esplin on the next Monday anyway, so my treatments will now be on Mondays.
So far, I come home and within an hour it hits. I don't even know how to describe what I feel, I just feel crappy. Head hurts, body achey. I feel beat up and well,.....like I've been poisoned. Which I have.
The next day is about the same. By Wednesday I think I'm feeling better so I get up and do stuff and then I realize that I've pushed myself too hard. (showering and getting ready for the day)
Thursday feels a bit better, but I just feel blah.
I hope I have a few good days Sat and Sunday before I go back on Monday.
I went wig shopping yesterday. I dragged my friend Lynsey with me. She's a great friend and happens to also do my hair. I was freaking out and just needed someone with me.
It wasn't so bad after a bit, but at first I was really freaked out. I put on some scarfs and stuff and just looked like Cancer. I found a wig that actually looked a lot like me. Then I found what they call Halos. You wear them under a hat and the hair sticks out so it looks like you're just wearing a hat and not bald.
I'm still holding out hope that I will keep my hair OR that maybe it will just thin. Nothing has happened yet, but it's still early,
Emotionally, I haven't been doing too well. I'm sure feeling sick has a lot to do with it. I've been very hopeless, weepy and irritable. I keep feeling like this is it and I'm never going to feel "good" again. I feel like it's not going to work.
I've also been having tons of back pain and can't stand or walk for very long. I'm scared it's going to break any second. I've heard of women just rolling over in bed and they break their back or neck or whatever. It feels like that to me. my lower back really really hurts and it's scary.
My kids have all been having a rough time. The younger two are crying and stressed a lot. Also needy. Haeli always seems to handle things well, but I'm afraid that she'll keep it in too much. Maili has struggled a lot. They all say that it is easier to forget I have cancer when I don't look or act sick.
I'm laying around a lot and with most likely losing my hair, it will be tough on them.
I told Kinli she could draw a face on the back of my head and she didn't like that at all. I thought it was funny.
Being the Holidays has made missing my mom all the more difficult and on the 23rd it will have been a year since she died. I don't even know where this year has gone. I've been in a fog all year and don't remember much of what has happened except for Cancer.
I'm not handling this very bravely like I would like. I'm a mess and it's been hard.
For anyone that reads this, I really need your prayers.
