Learning the lessons

 I said at the beginning of this trial that I didn't want to miss the lessons this disease would teach me.

I'm sometimes looking and trying to figure out what I'm learning or have learned. Mostly, I still see a lot of things I need to learn.

This morning I was listening to the "All In" podcast. I don't usually listen to it, but I saw that it was about grief and I wanted to listen. S. Michael Wilcox was the guest and I loved what he had to say.  He lost his wife to Brain Cancer 10 years ago and he wrote a couple of books about. it.

A couple of things stood out to me. Hopefully, I can articulate well.

I was thinking, last week, about how when I think of my mom, I think of how much I miss her, how much I love her and I don't think of the negative things. Either negative things with our relationship, or things about her that made me mad, etc.

Brother Wilcox talked about how when someone dies, you go through their things and cleanse out the stuff, keeping things that are special to you.  When we lose someone, we tend to do the same thing. In our relationships, we tend to notice the mote in people's eyes. In Matt 7:3 The Savior basically asks, why are you even looking at the mote? We answer, because it's there, I can see it. and he asks why are you looking at it in the first place?

I think that's what happens with the loss of people we love.  We tend to forget the bad and think of the good and that's a good thing. Our ability to love is increased because we're not focusing on the bad.  I really liked that thought and I also like the idea of grieving our past lives.  I often grieve the old me. My old normal and I think that helps me realize how good my life was and I have a better appreciation of it. It also made me think of Kevin after I'm gone.  He never outwardly criticizes me, but he's human, he must have several complaints about me. Hopefully, when I'm gone, he'll remember the good only and his love for me will grow even more. "Grief is love's shadow. If we didn't love, we wouldn't grieve."

In talking about grief, any kind. There's no roadmap on how long it's supposed to take to be done grieving.  I think of grieving my mom, of grieving my BC life. BC= Before Cancer.  The one thing to remember is our God is a God of Happy Endings.

Another thing he pointed out was how the Savior said "Do I have to go through this? (remove this cup)   and then he said "this is my purpose"  This is what I came to do.

When I'm questioning why I have to go through this, I have to remember that this is my purpose. This is the way I'm going to learn what my Father in Heaven wants me to learn. This is why I came.. Endurance is what God asks of us but it doesn't have to be a bad thing to endure or to wait for the blessings or the answers.

Grief, Anger and Hope

The past couple of days have been pretty hard emotionally for me. Grief has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it.  I've really been missing my mom.  I think my brain is trying to deal with all this in some kind of organized way. I was at the beginning of grief of my mom when I got this diagnosis. As I've been thrust into this new cancer world, my brain has literally been overloaded. I have never felt so full mentally. Too full.

The grief of my mom took a backseat...but not really, maybe kind of a passenger seat. My focus has been on this cancer and dealing with all of the emotions and information overload. Yet at the same time wishing oh so much that she were here.

This weekend, mom came back into the forefront. I don't know if it was because it was Easter and I was filled with memories of her hiding our baskets and having Easter egg hunts for the grand kids. Maybe it was the memories of the past couple of years with my kids going to her party at her Assisted living facility. Maybe it was the creamy potatoes and peas that she and my grandma Scoresby used to make that we had at dinner? Maybe it was the song from her funeral that I heard on the radio. For whatever reason, I have been mourning her more intensely.

I've also been in the anger stage of grief as far as cancer goes. I'm angry that my life is changing so drastically. I'm angry that I get so dang tired when I haven't really done anything. I'm angry that everything seems hard. Everything.  I'm angry that I have to feel pain. I'm angry that I have to be the one with this.  Don't get me wrong, I don't wish this upon anyone! ANYONE!  Yet at the same time of all the people in my neighborhood, or all the people at the theme park, or all the people at my kids school, I am the one and it makes me angry.  I guess it's a pity party.

I don't want to be part of this cancer world. I don't want to have to be the flaky friend that may or may not show up because I may not be feeling well. I don't want to be the one that always picks the easiest thing for dinner cause I'm too tired. I don't want to be the one that everyone sees and when I see them see me, I see that look on their faces.  I don't want to feel each new pain and wonder constantly if a tumor has grown.  I don't want to be the one that is writing this oh so depressing blog! 

I'm hoping grief will turn into acceptance and I'll be able to find more positive things. For now, I'm letting myself feel what I need to feel. I'm hoping that by writing all my feelings out that I can get those out of the way and be positive and upbeat with my family.

And now hope.  Easter had so much more meaning to me than it ever has before.  I miss my mom, but because of Christ, I will see her again and be with her. 
I will die sooner than expected, but because of HIM I will be made whole. 
I will leave my children, but because of HIM I will see them again and they will see me and we can be together forever.
Because of HIM I will be with my rock, my love and best friend forever.
Because of HIM all of this pain (emotional and physical) is molding me, refining me.
Because of HIM all will be made right.

So In the midst of my Grief, in the midst of my anger, I have hope.  Hope to live, Hope to fight, Hope to survive and hope to endure.

Because of HIM.