no words

I haven't written much. Been feeling too much with no words.
My mental health is not in a good place these days. I'm still keeping my head above water, but I feel so so sad and so so scared. I don't seem to be all there with anything we do. Any activity with Kevin and the girls and I feel like there's a part of me somewhere else. I don't seem to be able to enjoy things to the fullest and I hate it.

My scan results weren't all that bad, I mean there was some positive spots, but I think even though I won't admit it, I was hoping for a miracle. I told everyone I was just hoping for at least "stable" and I think I would have been okay with that, but secretly, I was hoping my Doctor would call and say "Oh my gosh! I've never seen such quick improvement"

I went in for my appt. last week. He showed me my scans which looked pretty much like the first ones. My liver tumor isn't quite as active, but I do have some new ones under my arms and in my bones.

I got my first shot of Zoladex. Man it hurt. It's a shot, but it inserts an implant to release the drug into my system, therefore bigger needle in my gut. OUCH! This will shut down my ovaries. Yes I think I've started having hot flashes, but it's so dang hot anyway, that it's hard to tell.

After a month, I will get my first shot of Faslodex which is another kind of hormone blocker.  I will then stop taking Tamoxifen.  I will continue with ibrance.

Once you start a certain line of treatment, if it doesn't work, you can't go back to it, so he wants to make sure we get all we can out of the ibrance and make sure that it's not the reason I'm not seeing better results. Hopefully it's the estrogen.

Dr Esplin again told me about how they took 3 tumors from the same person, dissected each one into pieces and examined them. Each tumor was entirely different from the other and not only that, but within each tumor, the different layers had mutated and were entirely different from itself as a whole.

It makes me feel so hopeless. Cancer is so very wicked. How can doctors or drugs keep up with the rapid mutations? My mind imagines some kind of horror creature that you just can't get rid of, it multiplies and gets stronger and stronger until it literally eats me alive.

I also asked if I could ride horses. He told me he can't tell me not to, but if I did it should only be a very old slow horse and only a walk.  Trots, etc. could break my bones.  (I'm wondering if this is the month I get my next shot of bone strengthener too) So I can't do that, or jump on the tramp with the girls. Hopefully, someday, this beast or beasts will die and my bones can gain back their strength? Although, I know that menopause can cause weakness in bones, like osteoporosis.   sigh

For now, I'm struggling with fear and sadness. Every time I think of my kids growing up, graduations, missions, weddings and grandchildren, or even just comments about the future, I wonder if it's possible to be here for at least one of them? Will I even see Kinli, my little 7 year old reach high school?  It tears me apart and I can't come to terms with it.

The emotions that come with facing my mortality and what I may have to endure before it's over are too much for me. I'm only 4 months into this and I feel like  the women and men who do this have much more grit than I have and I don't think I'm up to the task.