Little of this, little of that

I've kind of been MIA from this blog......mostly because I'm busy with my kids and that's where I want to spend my time, but also because nothing is really new.

I had my Dr. appt. last Wednesday. It went pretty well. My tumor markers are still going up which worries me, but also he says that can also go up when they are being killed because they're released into your blood stream. 

He has ordered a PET scan for me and my insurance has approved it. I'm just waiting for the Huntsman Cancer institute to call for my appointment. I'm nervous, but mostly glad that I get to know what's going on.

Dr. Esplin says that we can always hope for shrinkage, but at this early in the game, we should hope for at least "stable"  That means no growth and probably no shrinkage  I'm really hoping at least for that, cause I'm tolerating my drugs so well that I hate to change them and have new ones not agree with me as well.

The past couple of New testament classes at church have been difficult for me as we've talked about the atonement and our trials.

All along, I have prayed for miracles and added that I would like to be blessed to be content with what he has planned for me....to want what He wants for me.  Right now, I'm not okay with the thought of dying, but if it's His will, then I'd like to get to a point of truly being able to say Nevertheless, not my will, but thine.

Even the Savior asked 3 times if it were possible to not have to drink of the cup, but he did it willingly anyway.  And what he was about to endure was a billion billion times worse than anything I will have to endure. Still, I'm struggling truly being okay with it.....especially since I don't know yet what His plans for me really are.

Stay positive

** I wrote this a week ago and just left it there. A little embarrassed by my whining, but I want this blog to be real so I decided to post it. Forgive my cry baby attitude and know I'm not always that way)

I've had a rough couple of days emotionally.  I don't know if it's my hormone drugs or just random, but I haven't been feeling very hopeful lately.

I've actually been doing quite well physically.....I have a few areas that bother me, but I've had more energy lately and have been feeling pretty well.  So I don't really understand why I feel so gloomy.

Positivity is a word I am starting to feel annoyed at.  Everyone says "Stay positive" as if positivity is going to cure my cancer.  I read an article this morning that was on this very thing.  I do think a positive attitude can help me get through the trials, but it won't cure my cancer.  Sometimes. I think it's okay to let myself feel the emotions and be down in the dumps for a bit. That's when I need people to just listen and let me feel discouraged..... understand instead of telling me "think positively" Kevin's good at that. He doesn't tell me how to feel. It's almost like when someone says "think positively"  that they're telling me not to feel.

Today is the first day of my 3rd break week of ibrance (chemo) I meet with my doctor on Wednesday and hopefully will find out when I get to have a scan.  I don't know if I'm afraid to hope, but lately I feel like it's not working.  I'm scared to go on other drugs that may not sit so well with me. I'm afraid my cancer has already become "too smart" and there's nothing available to help me. I'm scared.


Maybe being discouraged is lacking faith? I know I need more faith. I'm trying.

I just hate that this is my new life. I hate that I'm part of this group. I hate that for the rest of my life I will wonder if it's growing.

The funeral

 I've always liked funerals. It doesn't matter who it is or how good or bad they have been, the funeral is full of all the good about that person. They usually don't mention the misdeeds or flaws of character, just the good and that person is celebrated

Yesterday I went to my friend Heather's funeral. The one I mentioned in my last post.  I had worried about going, thinking that it would be too hard with the sting of my diagnosis still fresh. I decided, however, that I could compartmentalize and go for Heather.
It was beautiful, but the moment I saw her two little girls walk in I just started to cry. I thought of my own sweet daughters walking with their amazing dad following my casket and it was hard. I managed to pull myself together and just listen to stories about Heather.

I may have written this before, but at this point in my journey, I'm not scared of death. I've read a lot and studied a lot and feel like I will be so okay when I die. I know I will be happy and safe. That's how I feel now, but ask me again when the time comes and I'll probably be full of fear. Anyway, right now I feel okay about how it will be for me when I die, but I worry about my family.

I don't want Kevin to have to go through losing a spouse and trying to take care of our children on his own. I've tried to talk to him about remarrying, but he won't talk about it.  Regardless if he does or not, it doesn't make things any less painful. For him to be alone, for my daughters to have to endure losing their mother at such tender ages. I hate that thought and I pray everyday that I will be allowed to stay here long enough to raise them and if possible, see them marry.  I want to grow old with Kevin. He is my favorite person, my everything and I want to grow old with him. I don't want him to grow old alone or with someone else.

I don't know how long I have, I don't know when it will be that there are no new treatments to try, but I hope that day is far far away.