Progression

So I had to go to my radiation oncologist to look at my MRI,

There's doctor McCallister. And he's the main guy, he's there most of the time and he's not my favorite, I guess, he knows his stuff but he doesn't explain things and he doesn't. That's not the best bedside manner. But there's another guy, Dr. Blair who pretty much is retired but he will come in like every other Friday or something like that. 

Luckily I had him and I love him and he literally sits for an hour with you and explains everything and he knows what he knows a stuff and he just shows it all to me and it's really great. 

But the bad news is, is that my MRI showed tons of progression in my sternum. It is pretty much all cancer. The radiologist used the word obliterating a couple times, that it had a obliterated, certain bones and Nerve walls and everything. And that they think it's growing into different areas of my spinal fluid. Then he told me that there's nothing else he can do for me. I asked why they can't radiate again. And he explained that in the first place, the radiation that they gave me didn't work. So why do another one that wouldn't work. Also, I guess they have discovered how much radiation different parts of the body can tolerate. 

And my sternum and the area where my sciatic is, it can't handle another dose. And if we were to do it again, all the things in that area would be damaged and not work well including nerves, my ability to walk, things like that. However, I feel like that's happening anyways. I might get to a point soon where I can't walk and I'm really, really scared. 

Anyway, there's nothing more he can do for me and that area. 

So he said he's gonna make an appointment with a neurosurgeon. but he doesn't think that there's anything they can do, but maybe they have some new stuff that he's unaware of that can help me.

So maybe he will have something that can help. 

He also just said, the only other way is systemically, which means chemo. And obviously, now that I'm having other progression, I'm going to have to switch chemo. 

And that scares me because I might be sick again and I lose my hair. Might not be able to travel, all sorts of things like that. So, I'm waiting now to hear from Esplin about switching. He might just wait until next Monday, which is my appointment, but I've been and a lot of pain and I've been in a really dark place. 

I have felt more like death is coming sooner. But I think, I may be just being dramatic, which I hope and I may thinking the worst because I'm in so much pain, but I feel like the cancer is growing so quickly and it's gonna take over my body soon. 

In addition the other radiation they gave me on my back or neck around for C5 down to, or totally worked in the front. But, of course, just since we saw the radiation oncologist, it has now been hurting really bad again.

And now it's hurting all day and it hurts really, really bad and sometimes I can't move very well and it hurts so bad, I cry. So I feel like that has grown back again and I feel like already not radiation but I feel like cancer is taking over everywhere. 

So I'm having a hard time emotionally thinking about leaving Kevin with the girls. And I feel so guilty because it's going to add so much stress onto him. He's already hurting and he's already sick. I'm worried about to girls and their mental health and how they're gonna do without a mother. 

I know I missed my mom tremendously, but I was 48 when she died.

My little Kinli. Will she remember me? Maybe a bit, but I don't think she'll have really good. Strong memories as much as obviously, Maili. In each of them, their brains are just not developed and I'm just really worried. 

I know that I'm gonna be okay when I die and I know that I possibly will be able to help and the Lord will hopefully allow me to do that. 

I just worry so much for them.