Grief, Anger and Hope

The past couple of days have been pretty hard emotionally for me. Grief has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it.  I've really been missing my mom.  I think my brain is trying to deal with all this in some kind of organized way. I was at the beginning of grief of my mom when I got this diagnosis. As I've been thrust into this new cancer world, my brain has literally been overloaded. I have never felt so full mentally. Too full.

The grief of my mom took a backseat...but not really, maybe kind of a passenger seat. My focus has been on this cancer and dealing with all of the emotions and information overload. Yet at the same time wishing oh so much that she were here.

This weekend, mom came back into the forefront. I don't know if it was because it was Easter and I was filled with memories of her hiding our baskets and having Easter egg hunts for the grand kids. Maybe it was the memories of the past couple of years with my kids going to her party at her Assisted living facility. Maybe it was the creamy potatoes and peas that she and my grandma Scoresby used to make that we had at dinner? Maybe it was the song from her funeral that I heard on the radio. For whatever reason, I have been mourning her more intensely.

I've also been in the anger stage of grief as far as cancer goes. I'm angry that my life is changing so drastically. I'm angry that I get so dang tired when I haven't really done anything. I'm angry that everything seems hard. Everything.  I'm angry that I have to feel pain. I'm angry that I have to be the one with this.  Don't get me wrong, I don't wish this upon anyone! ANYONE!  Yet at the same time of all the people in my neighborhood, or all the people at the theme park, or all the people at my kids school, I am the one and it makes me angry.  I guess it's a pity party.

I don't want to be part of this cancer world. I don't want to have to be the flaky friend that may or may not show up because I may not be feeling well. I don't want to be the one that always picks the easiest thing for dinner cause I'm too tired. I don't want to be the one that everyone sees and when I see them see me, I see that look on their faces.  I don't want to feel each new pain and wonder constantly if a tumor has grown.  I don't want to be the one that is writing this oh so depressing blog! 

I'm hoping grief will turn into acceptance and I'll be able to find more positive things. For now, I'm letting myself feel what I need to feel. I'm hoping that by writing all my feelings out that I can get those out of the way and be positive and upbeat with my family.

And now hope.  Easter had so much more meaning to me than it ever has before.  I miss my mom, but because of Christ, I will see her again and be with her. 
I will die sooner than expected, but because of HIM I will be made whole. 
I will leave my children, but because of HIM I will see them again and they will see me and we can be together forever.
Because of HIM I will be with my rock, my love and best friend forever.
Because of HIM all of this pain (emotional and physical) is molding me, refining me.
Because of HIM all will be made right.

So In the midst of my Grief, in the midst of my anger, I have hope.  Hope to live, Hope to fight, Hope to survive and hope to endure.

Because of HIM.