It's been a week

It's been a week since I received the call that I will always have cancer until I die.

It's been a rough week. A strange week. A foggy week. A tiring week.

My sister Dianne arrived from Florida on Wednesday night and has been at my side ever since. I don't know how to thank her. It has been good for us. We haven't been great at keeping in touch over the years with her so far away and when mom died, her trip here was super short and I've missed her.

This week has been full of so many people reaching out by text, phone calls (most of which I don't answer, cause I just can't talk) visits, gifts, cookies, meals and so much goodness and love. In the midst of every visit and gift giving, I stop inside myself and say I don't want me being the one in this position. How is this me? How can I be having this conversation and it's about ME?

I'm having trouble accepting that this is my new life. It's too early, of course, but I haven't found my new normal.

Every decision is too hard to make. My brain is forgetting so many things. I'm having a hard time focusing.

I talked with the nurse yesterday about the "tumor board" where all the oncologists, surgeons, etc. meet to discuss my treatment.  They all agreed that what I am doing now is the best plan.

So today is Thursday. I started last Thursday on Tamoxifen which is the hormone blocker. It's supposed to block estrogen from feeding the tumors. I take that everyday for as long as it works.
I started Monday on ibrance, which is a chemo pill. I take it for 21 days and 7 days off to let my white blood cells recoup and build back up and then I go again for another 3 weeks.  I don't know how long I will do this for?

So far, I'm feeling okay. I am extra tired and the nurse told me yesterday that was only the beginning. I will get much more fatigued as time goes on.

We are planning a last minute trip to Disney World.
Dianne's daughter Allyson, works for Disney and gets us 3 days free. Also half off of 2 nights in a Disney resort hotel.  She's also working on some free passes to Universal so hopefully that will pan out. We found awesome rates for our plane tickets.

A dear friend gifted us a large amount Disney gift card which is just a blessing and so generous.

This trip  has added to the stress to plan all this to leave next Tuesday, but we're hoping it will be just what our family needs. Some time away from reality. Time together. Time making memories with our sweet girls. I so hope it's not the last. I will have to be extra cautious. I will be that one wearing a mask so everyone can look at me as a germ-a-phobe. Using the sanitizer, etc. But they really don't want me getting any kind of infection as my body can't fight it as well.  I hope that I feel okay while we're there. I don't want to make the trip hard for my kids.

I have received priesthood blessings and many prayers. I think I can honestly say that the prayers are sustaining me. The first few days were too hard to me to do alone. It has been too much for my brain to process and I feel like the prayers are holding me up and helping me deal with this. Kevin has been my rock, even though, I know he feels so terrible and weak as well.
We have survived a week with the worst news and we will keep going because we have no other choice.
I'm trying to be positive and the prayers are helping me from going to that dark place too often. The place where I feel that all is lost and none of my dreams will come true. The place where I leave my best friend and my sweet children to fend for themselves. To grow up without their mom and wife.
I sometimes still go there, but I know the prayers are helping me crawl back out more quickly and not staying there.
I will fight and I know that being positive is a huge part of the fight. I am trying and hoping for that 20 years.