Not supposed to happen to me

I'm starting this blog as a way to process my own thoughts, feelings and information about the journey I am about to begin with IBC Inflammatory Breast Cancer.
Warning:  I'm going to be raw. All of my feelings unfiltered, laid out, raw.

I started worrying about my breast health a year ago when I felt that the tissue had changed. It wasn't so much a distinct lump, but something was different. After a mammogram and ultrasound I was sent on my way with the doctor just saying I had dense tissue for someone my age, but to keep checking like every woman is supposed to.
Fast forward to this year. The timing is foggy for me because I lost my mom on December 23rd. And I feel like I've been in some kind of foggy time warp ever since. Anyway, sometime after the funeral I happen to actually look at my breast.  I always check it in the shower and stuff like that, but I don't usually look at them. I'd been slowly noticing but not consciously, that the shape seemed to be even more different than before. And then I noticed the nipple. It was hard and completely retracted. I couldn't get it to "pop out."  My breast felt heavy and I began to worry.
Because of time dealing with mom's death and having a month full of sick kids, I didn't do anything until February of 2019. I also received a letter from the hospital that it was time for my yearly mammogram. So I made an appt. with my obgyn. Nurse practitioner Stephanie Miller is who I saw.
So I was sent to get a mammogram and ultrasound. This time I had to go to Payson because our insurance has changed. Last Friday, I went and again, they didn't see anything on either of those, but the radiologist was concerned about the look of my breast and also the skin had thickened. So he requested I get an MRI. On Tuesday, I went to Timpanogos hospital and got an MRI on both of my breasts. It was not too bad, but pretty uncomfortable. On my stomach, boobs hanging down, arms over my head. Ribs on a high hard surface. It lasted about 30 minutes.
So they told me to go home and I could call my doctor in the morning.  Doctor told me they did find a cluster of cells and she scheduled me for a biopsy the next morning. Yesterday I went and had the biopsy. I was expecting a thin needle being inserted and that was that.  NOPE! So the radiologist who they nickname the Breast GURU came in and told me my lymph nodes were enlarged as well as what he saw on the MRI.  So he found 3 places to biopsy. He said that my entire left side of my left breast was involved as well as my lymph nodes. It was a painful and uncomfortable procedure and took forever. I asked him if there were any doubts that this could be cancer. He said he was pretty sure that it is. I won't receive a positive diagnosis until the pathology comes back which will probably be around Tuesday of next week.
I laid there with tears and my support, Kevin, squeazing  my ankle.
This is not supposed to happen to me. This happens to other people, not me. 
I don't want my family to go through this. I don't think Maili can hear this news. I don't want my girls to have to worry about me. I'm supposed to be worried about them. I want their little lives to be normal. I don't want Kevin to have to go through this. He already does so so much for me and our family, all while not feeling well himself!
I'm not strong enough to do what I'm going to have to do. Chemo....lose my hair. Hair is a vain thing for me. I don't look good without it. Pain, nausea, surgery...masectomy. HOw am I going to feel about my looks then? Healing from surgery. Radiation burns, trips to the hospital. Drugs, more nausea, weakness and fear.
I so wish my mom was here. I need her. I need her to remind me that I can do this. She's not here.

I don't want to be pitied. I don't want people looking at me.
I'm scared. What if I die?  This kind of cancer doesn't have as good of a prognosis as others do. I'm not scared of death, but I'm scared for my family. They need their mom. His wife.

 I know that the Lord is in charge and everything will go the way it's supposed to, but I'm still scared. 
It's going to be a long weekend and wait to hear the news I already know. Just more information about what now and what stage and are certain hormones involved. etc.