Infusions

So as I posted last time, I went in on Wednesday and got my first of many Zometa infusions. It's a bone strengthener and they give it to you via i.v.  When I asked Dr. Esplin about the side effects, he said none with a caveat that some people complain about bone aches for a few days.
Wednesday night I had a hard time sleeping because both my thigh's were aching. Nothing really new, and I woke up feeling okay. By 10:00 I was in some serious trouble. I hurt all over my body, I had chills, low grade fever, flu like symptoms, my head literally stung as well as every inch of me just hurt.  I managed to make it to Kinli's 1st grade program and then I was down for the count.
I slept on and off with the help of Tylenol, but it only helped slightly.  I felt so so terrible. The next morning I still felt crappy and a call to the Dr. and a google search confirmed that many people feel this way with their first infusion and it supposedly gets a bit better each time.  I stayed in bed until Maili's voice recital and then I hopped right back in. I do feel much better today, but still feel sore. My left calf and ankle started hurting even a bit before the infusion and I have had issues with it on and off.  Sometimes I feel like I'm faking the pain because it hurts one minute and I'm limping and the next I'm fine. I feel like a kid trying to get attention.
They didn't scan past my mid thigh, so I don't know about cancer down there, but I'm pretty sure it's there.  I also forgot to tell Dr. Esplin about the pain in my chest wall. It hurts when I breath deeply, but is better when I have the support of a bra. I'm sure there's cancer on the chest wall under where this whole thing started.

The whole thing has made me super weepy, emotional and depressed the past few days. I HATE Cancer and I HATE that is part of my life forever. I am still trying to get to acceptance, but it's a hard pill to swallow (pun intended)

I feel like cancer has taken so much from me and I'm angry. You know when you wake up and remember your bad dream?  Everyday I wake up and remember I have cancer and it stings every time.

I hate when I don't feel good because I think it stresses and worries my kids.  I try as hard as I can to pretend, but when you can't make it up the stairs with a basket of laundry, it's hard to hide.

I wonder if I'm ever going to feel good again? Am I ever going to feel like I have energy and excitement in my body? Like I could do a cartwheel if I wanted to? (not that I did a lot of cartwheels before)