The lessons

Yesterday, for some reason, I ran into a lot of friends. So I talked a lot about me.  It was exhausting.
A lot of them mentioned how I look so good or "normal" or  that I act so normal or upbeat.  I was thinking about this and it made me wonder if I was being fake or genuine? I realized that I'm just being me.
I think we all try to put on our positive face when we go out and I don't think it's being fake. I think it's coping the best and trying to have the best attitude. Some days we are more successful at it than others.

I assured these friends that I talked to, that I cry.....nearly everyday.  I get angry, nearly every day. I have moments of feeling sorry for myself, of feeling selfish, of feeling frustrated, and all the other emotions that come with being human.

I've admitted before that I am in a depression as I process this disease and how it's affecting every area of my life. But I also have a perspective of growth.

 I truly believe that each of us is a spirit son or daughter of God that came here to learn. To learn what we need and it's so completely individual. That's the beauty of it.
Some of us need to have wayward children. Some of us need to have infertility issues. Some of us need to have loss of jobs, divorce, deaths, and some of us need to have cancer.

I don't know that I believe that my Father in Heaven GAVE this trial to me. I don't think He CAUSED cancer in me. But I know he knows what I will learn from it. And I know he is hopeful that I will learn it.  I don't feel like a victim at the hands of God.

I worry sometimes that I will miss the lessons. For whatever reason, the things I need to learn need to be taught to me in the form of terminal cancer.  I worry that if I stay in a hole of grief all of the time, I will miss the lessons.  Will I learn patience? Will I learn humility? Will I learn long-suffering? Will I learn empathy? Will I learn Faith and trust in my Savior?  There's so many things that I need to learn and I don't even know what they all are, but HE does.

I don't want to miss the lessons.  I don't want to walk around with sadness. So when I walk out into the world, I put on my happy face because I have a lot to be happy about. 
I put on my brave face because there's not much I can do about it.
I put on my smile, because I don't know what lessons everyone else is having to learn.   Your trials are no more or less than mine. 

I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it again, I have an amazing life. I have been blessed beyond measure. I have so many things to be thankful for. I have trials, other than cancer, just like everyone else. I always have and I always will. That's why I'm here. 

I heard it taught that we chose our trials before we came to earth.....or at least that we knew what they were and we agreed to them.  I don't know if that's true. I've never read that from a prophet or anything, but thinking that way makes me a bit more brave. If I knew what I was going to go through on earth, and I still chose to come, I must have known how valuable the lessons would be. I must have known it would be worth whatever blessings I will attain in life after death. And I know there's going to be some amazing ones.

I don't want to miss the lessons.