Do's and Don'ts

I'm learning quickly that most people, including myself, don't even know what to say to someone with cancer.

It's been an interesting thing to face.  The people at church....their faces have become a bit more normal as they see me more often, but they always seem extra excited to see me.  I'll take it.

The people at the dentist office who have "heard" but don't really know me have this look of "Oh it's her. It's that lady we were talking about. I'm going to put this giant smile on my face and keep staring at her and I'm gonna treat her extra special"   I don't even know what to do about that, so when they ask me how I am,  I say "good" or "fine" just like everybody else.  Do they really want me to tell them how I'm doing?

Then there's the kids that know because their parents have told them. They smile and wave even though they never did before. Some of them are scared of me, I think.

I feel conspicuous everywhere I go and honestly, I don't like it. I don't blame people, cause I honestly don't know what to say either. Mostly, I just want to be normal and not reminded all of the time that I have cancer. Having said that, however, I've come up with some do's and don'ts that may help.

1- Go ahead and ask me about it.  Most people are curious and want to understand. I'm a pretty open person and don't mind at all explaining things. I'm learning a lot and am willing to share.

2- Don't tell me about your sister-in-law's mother that had it and died. I don't need to hear it.

3- Do tell me about your sister-in-law's mother that has been fighting for 10 years and is still alive.  I need to hear that.

4- Don't say, "Cancer isn't as hard as it used to be with all the advances" You just can't understand

5- Don't say "We didn't think you'd be up for it" Please invite me. If I plan ahead with a nap, I can go to these things and I NEED to.  The more distractions and normal life, the better.

6-Don't say "Have you tried"  this diet, this vitamin, this treatment.  I know it's all well meaning and people are trying to help, but if you even knew how incredibly overwhelmed  my brain is at trying to follow my doctor's orders and worrying about the future.....there's no room for me to even begin processing this treatment your brother's nephew's son tried.  I am doing my best to eat right, follow my doctor's orders and be positive. That's all I can do at this point.

7-Don't say "If anyone can beat this, you can"  So the people that died, didn't fight hard enough?

8-Don't ask me about my prognosis, how long I have or when I'll be done with treatment.  The answer is, my prognosis isn't good, I don't know how long I have left and I'll be done with treatment when I die.

9-   Don't use my cancer as a measuring stick for how positive your attitude should be.  I don't own the market on trials, and I still want to hear about yours.  I care. Please don't feel that my life is worse than yours or your life is easier than mine.  I have a pretty amazing life with a big fat trial, but my trial doesn't make yours any less.

10- Don't say "you're going to be fine."  "You don't look sick," "We could all be hit by a bus tomorrow," "Stay positive," "At least you still have your hair,"   Just don't

11- "I thought cancer made you lose weight"  Actually, the medication I'm on makes you gain it. I'm holding steady. (No one has actually said this to me, but I'm self conscious about it)

12- Please don't tell me how negative thoughts, not breast feeding, being overweight, not exercising enough, eating meat, eating sugar, or anything else caused my cancer. The fact is, all of these could be the reason, and none of them could be the reason. Some of the healthiest, most fit, longest breast feeders, most positive, vegan, etc. people have been diagnosed with cancer.

DO tell me success stories
DO ask me how I'm feeling
DO include me
DO pray for me
DO understand when I am too tired
DO let me know you're thinking of me
DO laugh with me
DO be my friend.