It was my first mother's day without my mom. I noticed the empty chair a little bit more, I noticed all week every time I thought I need to get something for mom and then remembered that I didn't. Which was actually bittersweet because I always stressed about what I could get her to let her know just how much she meant to me. I noticed how much she was in every thought, I noticed how much she was missed.
We went to the cemetery to see her grave. They finally have grass laid on top. It's still kind of dead, but hopefully by memorial day it will be green. Kevin and the girls hadn't seen her headstone yet.
We gave her a single rose and took a picture. Oh how each of us miss her.
In the back of my mind, I kept wondering what the next year has in store for my little family and if they will be at my graveside on mother's day. It's a very sobering thought and one that I hope doesn't come true for a long time......yet it is a reality.
Most of the time people are concerned about me and how I'm feeling physically and emotionally, but I thought a lot yesterday about how these people that mean the most to me are struggling.
Struggling with fear, struggling with understanding, struggling with even knowing what is going on but knowing it's something big and not good.
This whole time, people have been asking me what they can do for me and I always say that I'm okay physically and am still able to do things. I don't know if that will change in the near future, but one thing that has been extremely important to me is that my kids see me doing my things. I don't know if it's me trying to hide how serious this is, or my pride, but somehow I feel that if they can see me being normal then they will feel safer. That's important to me.
I don't know what to do to take care of Kevin. He is our rock, but he admits that he's scared. I hate that I've brought this trial upon our family. I know it's not my fault, but it is me that has this dumb cancer and it is me that is the mom and wife. My role is my role and I hate that it's being threatened.
I usually don't like church talks on Mother's day, cause I usually feel guilty when they say all the things that "we" do that "I" don't. But yesterday was great. The theme for the whole day was "You are doing enough" Motherhood is hard and we make mistakes, but we love our children fiercely and that is enough.
I got a 2 hour nap, a yummy breakfast, a yummy dinner and darling gifts from each of the girls and Kevin. Kevin did so much to make it a good day, he knew it was hard for me and he made the day nearly perfect.
I am so blessed to have such an amazing family. I pray that I can be here for next Mother's day and many, many more to come.
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