Stay positive

** I wrote this a week ago and just left it there. A little embarrassed by my whining, but I want this blog to be real so I decided to post it. Forgive my cry baby attitude and know I'm not always that way)

I've had a rough couple of days emotionally.  I don't know if it's my hormone drugs or just random, but I haven't been feeling very hopeful lately.

I've actually been doing quite well physically.....I have a few areas that bother me, but I've had more energy lately and have been feeling pretty well.  So I don't really understand why I feel so gloomy.

Positivity is a word I am starting to feel annoyed at.  Everyone says "Stay positive" as if positivity is going to cure my cancer.  I read an article this morning that was on this very thing.  I do think a positive attitude can help me get through the trials, but it won't cure my cancer.  Sometimes. I think it's okay to let myself feel the emotions and be down in the dumps for a bit. That's when I need people to just listen and let me feel discouraged..... understand instead of telling me "think positively" Kevin's good at that. He doesn't tell me how to feel. It's almost like when someone says "think positively"  that they're telling me not to feel.

Today is the first day of my 3rd break week of ibrance (chemo) I meet with my doctor on Wednesday and hopefully will find out when I get to have a scan.  I don't know if I'm afraid to hope, but lately I feel like it's not working.  I'm scared to go on other drugs that may not sit so well with me. I'm afraid my cancer has already become "too smart" and there's nothing available to help me. I'm scared.


Maybe being discouraged is lacking faith? I know I need more faith. I'm trying.

I just hate that this is my new life. I hate that I'm part of this group. I hate that for the rest of my life I will wonder if it's growing.