Little of this, little of that

I've kind of been MIA from this blog......mostly because I'm busy with my kids and that's where I want to spend my time, but also because nothing is really new.

I had my Dr. appt. last Wednesday. It went pretty well. My tumor markers are still going up which worries me, but also he says that can also go up when they are being killed because they're released into your blood stream. 

He has ordered a PET scan for me and my insurance has approved it. I'm just waiting for the Huntsman Cancer institute to call for my appointment. I'm nervous, but mostly glad that I get to know what's going on.

Dr. Esplin says that we can always hope for shrinkage, but at this early in the game, we should hope for at least "stable"  That means no growth and probably no shrinkage  I'm really hoping at least for that, cause I'm tolerating my drugs so well that I hate to change them and have new ones not agree with me as well.

The past couple of New testament classes at church have been difficult for me as we've talked about the atonement and our trials.

All along, I have prayed for miracles and added that I would like to be blessed to be content with what he has planned for me....to want what He wants for me.  Right now, I'm not okay with the thought of dying, but if it's His will, then I'd like to get to a point of truly being able to say Nevertheless, not my will, but thine.

Even the Savior asked 3 times if it were possible to not have to drink of the cup, but he did it willingly anyway.  And what he was about to endure was a billion billion times worse than anything I will have to endure. Still, I'm struggling truly being okay with it.....especially since I don't know yet what His plans for me really are.

Stay positive

** I wrote this a week ago and just left it there. A little embarrassed by my whining, but I want this blog to be real so I decided to post it. Forgive my cry baby attitude and know I'm not always that way)

I've had a rough couple of days emotionally.  I don't know if it's my hormone drugs or just random, but I haven't been feeling very hopeful lately.

I've actually been doing quite well physically.....I have a few areas that bother me, but I've had more energy lately and have been feeling pretty well.  So I don't really understand why I feel so gloomy.

Positivity is a word I am starting to feel annoyed at.  Everyone says "Stay positive" as if positivity is going to cure my cancer.  I read an article this morning that was on this very thing.  I do think a positive attitude can help me get through the trials, but it won't cure my cancer.  Sometimes. I think it's okay to let myself feel the emotions and be down in the dumps for a bit. That's when I need people to just listen and let me feel discouraged..... understand instead of telling me "think positively" Kevin's good at that. He doesn't tell me how to feel. It's almost like when someone says "think positively"  that they're telling me not to feel.

Today is the first day of my 3rd break week of ibrance (chemo) I meet with my doctor on Wednesday and hopefully will find out when I get to have a scan.  I don't know if I'm afraid to hope, but lately I feel like it's not working.  I'm scared to go on other drugs that may not sit so well with me. I'm afraid my cancer has already become "too smart" and there's nothing available to help me. I'm scared.


Maybe being discouraged is lacking faith? I know I need more faith. I'm trying.

I just hate that this is my new life. I hate that I'm part of this group. I hate that for the rest of my life I will wonder if it's growing.

The funeral

 I've always liked funerals. It doesn't matter who it is or how good or bad they have been, the funeral is full of all the good about that person. They usually don't mention the misdeeds or flaws of character, just the good and that person is celebrated

Yesterday I went to my friend Heather's funeral. The one I mentioned in my last post.  I had worried about going, thinking that it would be too hard with the sting of my diagnosis still fresh. I decided, however, that I could compartmentalize and go for Heather.
It was beautiful, but the moment I saw her two little girls walk in I just started to cry. I thought of my own sweet daughters walking with their amazing dad following my casket and it was hard. I managed to pull myself together and just listen to stories about Heather.

I may have written this before, but at this point in my journey, I'm not scared of death. I've read a lot and studied a lot and feel like I will be so okay when I die. I know I will be happy and safe. That's how I feel now, but ask me again when the time comes and I'll probably be full of fear. Anyway, right now I feel okay about how it will be for me when I die, but I worry about my family.

I don't want Kevin to have to go through losing a spouse and trying to take care of our children on his own. I've tried to talk to him about remarrying, but he won't talk about it.  Regardless if he does or not, it doesn't make things any less painful. For him to be alone, for my daughters to have to endure losing their mother at such tender ages. I hate that thought and I pray everyday that I will be allowed to stay here long enough to raise them and if possible, see them marry.  I want to grow old with Kevin. He is my favorite person, my everything and I want to grow old with him. I don't want him to grow old alone or with someone else.

I don't know how long I have, I don't know when it will be that there are no new treatments to try, but I hope that day is far far away.

Heather

I posted this on my Facebook page today.

This morning Heaven gained an extraordinary angel. This picture is a few years old, but it's how I remember her the most. This was before her body was damaged from the effects of brain cancer treatments. She had a unique kind of cancer and it started when she was about 10 years old. She had to relearn to walk. I don't even know how many times it came back, but the last time was the last time. She has been put through the ringer, literally became deaf, nearly blind, lost tons of of weight, trouble walking and hasn't even looked like the picture below for several years now. She taught me so much about attitude in the face of adversity. She taught me so much about service. She did everything and anything for everyone. She always had a giggle and a smile and of course loved her 2 little girls fiercely. In January, she was given 2 weeks to live. I contacted her and said my goodbyes and she still had a positive attitude. She made it a few more months. Thanks for your example Heather. 

I hope that if and when my cancer progresses so far and my body has crumbled under the effects of the many treatments, that I can have as bright of an attitude as you. Be at peace sweet Heather and rest from your earthly cares. I know you're already serving and giggling.

I'm wondering if I can handle her funeral. I'd like to be there to honor my sweet friend. I wonder if I can compartmentalize and not feel too personal about it, especially when I see her two girls.

Have I mentioned that I hate Cancer!

This week has been kind of up and down. Monday we went to the cemetery and that was good but hard. I I just wanted to talk to my mom, ask her for her wisdom and get a hug.
Also, my drugs can make me pretty moody and I was on a roller coaster.  I've had a couple of days where my left ankle from just below my knee down hurts so bad. Doesn't matter if I'm walking or not. Not much will help it. I've been trying to put off the heavy pain killers as long as I can. Apparently Claratin helps with bone pain as well as Aleve.....which I'm not supposed to take that often because it's a blood thinner like Advil. It has hurt to the point of tears. The past three days though I haven't  felt anything and I've even been doing yard work.  If feels good to act normal

The lessons

Yesterday, for some reason, I ran into a lot of friends. So I talked a lot about me.  It was exhausting.
A lot of them mentioned how I look so good or "normal" or  that I act so normal or upbeat.  I was thinking about this and it made me wonder if I was being fake or genuine? I realized that I'm just being me.
I think we all try to put on our positive face when we go out and I don't think it's being fake. I think it's coping the best and trying to have the best attitude. Some days we are more successful at it than others.

I assured these friends that I talked to, that I cry.....nearly everyday.  I get angry, nearly every day. I have moments of feeling sorry for myself, of feeling selfish, of feeling frustrated, and all the other emotions that come with being human.

I've admitted before that I am in a depression as I process this disease and how it's affecting every area of my life. But I also have a perspective of growth.

 I truly believe that each of us is a spirit son or daughter of God that came here to learn. To learn what we need and it's so completely individual. That's the beauty of it.
Some of us need to have wayward children. Some of us need to have infertility issues. Some of us need to have loss of jobs, divorce, deaths, and some of us need to have cancer.

I don't know that I believe that my Father in Heaven GAVE this trial to me. I don't think He CAUSED cancer in me. But I know he knows what I will learn from it. And I know he is hopeful that I will learn it.  I don't feel like a victim at the hands of God.

I worry sometimes that I will miss the lessons. For whatever reason, the things I need to learn need to be taught to me in the form of terminal cancer.  I worry that if I stay in a hole of grief all of the time, I will miss the lessons.  Will I learn patience? Will I learn humility? Will I learn long-suffering? Will I learn empathy? Will I learn Faith and trust in my Savior?  There's so many things that I need to learn and I don't even know what they all are, but HE does.

I don't want to miss the lessons.  I don't want to walk around with sadness. So when I walk out into the world, I put on my happy face because I have a lot to be happy about. 
I put on my brave face because there's not much I can do about it.
I put on my smile, because I don't know what lessons everyone else is having to learn.   Your trials are no more or less than mine. 

I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it again, I have an amazing life. I have been blessed beyond measure. I have so many things to be thankful for. I have trials, other than cancer, just like everyone else. I always have and I always will. That's why I'm here. 

I heard it taught that we chose our trials before we came to earth.....or at least that we knew what they were and we agreed to them.  I don't know if that's true. I've never read that from a prophet or anything, but thinking that way makes me a bit more brave. If I knew what I was going to go through on earth, and I still chose to come, I must have known how valuable the lessons would be. I must have known it would be worth whatever blessings I will attain in life after death. And I know there's going to be some amazing ones.

I don't want to miss the lessons.

Tumor markers

Last week at my Dr.'s appointment, he drew my blood as usual and they checked my tumor markers. A couple days later we called to find out what they were.

My markers went up and I felt defeated.

For those that don't understand. Tumor markers are different proteins found in the blood that tumors send out.  When they are up, it can indicate cancer. When they rise, it indicates that either there are more tumors or that the existing tumors are growing larger.

I felt so frustrated that my cancer is growing and why do I have to keep doing what I'm doing for another month if it's not working?

After talking with Dr. Esplin and some google searches and some reassurance from a group I belong to on facebook, I felt better.

Apparently, tumor markers don't work in everyone, so sometimes they're not very reliable.  Sometimes tumor markers rise at the early stages of treatment (for whatever reason)

Sometimes tumor markers rise for other reasons.

Dr Esplin told me not to panic just yet. Scans are the best indicators of what is really happening. He said it's too early to tell and to breathe.

Sigh, okay I'll wait.

Trying to get to this point

This is where I want to be. Not there yet....working on it